Unspoken Fears
by Emom
Summary: An emergency strikes the DeSoto family but when Roy places the blame on Johnny that is when the true tragedy strikes. Can this family help each other survive? This is not part of the Roy/Kanda timeline.
1. Chapter 1

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

_**Note: This is NOT part of the Roy/Kanda storyline.**_

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_**This story is the joint creation of myself with the plot inspiration of Lia Walker.  
Please CLICK the green button at the end and tell me what you think of it!**_

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"_A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are cracked."_

Chapter 1

"I just can't believe she said it is all," Paramedic Johnny Gage said incredulously as they pulled out of the ER parking lot.

His partner Paramedic Roy DeSoto rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth as he drove the Squad back to the station. He'd be sure to tell Dixie thank you so much for getting his easily riled up partner all ….well…riled up. "I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it Johnny. Just let it drop."

"Let it drop? You have to be kidding me?" Johnny looked at his partner like he had lost his ever loving mind. "I don't know Roy, you know maybe I should put _you_ in the mental ward."

_Of course it couldn't be that easy_. _It wasn't Dixie that had to ride in the same truck with him. Yep, she would pay for this. _

Johnny turned back to the window, "Lock me away. Never heard such craziness. Nothing wrong with me. I'm not the crazy one, of all things to call me."

_Really, really pay for this_, Roy thought. He took a deep breath, "Look she was just making a joke is all. Of course Dix doesn't really think you are psychotic." _But after this, maybe_. Maybe both of them before this shift would ever end if he didn't somehow get his ranting partner under control.

Johnny's shoulders slumped down, "Did you see the way she looked at me? Like it was my fault or something."

"Or something," Roy echoed. "Look I know Dix and she'd never blame you for a patient giving an entire false history, false symptoms then someone who had enough imagination to actually give us those symptoms."

His big brown eyes looked up to his friend for more reassurance. "I saw the way she looked at me. Dixie has those eyes that tell all."

_She's not the only one_, Roy silently chuckled. "You've known Dix long enough to know that she thinks you're the department's best paramedic_." Yes, appeal to his sense of pride in what he does. Distract him._

He cocked his head and thought about it for a minute then shot Roy a crooked smile, "Do you think that she thinks that?"

Roy smiled. Johnny was so easily hurt by someone's words especially if they came from someone who was very important to him and Dixie definitely fit the bill. She was having an extremely bad day working short staffed and putting in her own overtime to help cover. It just didn't take much for her to bite Johnny's head off over a manipulative patient.

"Yes Junior," he tried to reassure him. "I definitely think. She's just having a bad day and we happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don't let her get to you. I'm sure she will feel terrible about what happened next time we see her."

He took a deep breath and leaned against the window. Reaching up unconsciously he rubbed his shoulder then instantly regretted it as he say Roy's gaze shift his way.

Oh yea, Roy took note. That last patient had tried to protest the IV and managed to knock Johnny right into a book shelf. "What did Morton say about that shoulder?"

"I'm okay," Johnny dodged the question. "Do you think Mike has his chicken done for dinner?"

The senior medic pursed his lips together. "I didn't ask how you felt. I asked what Morton said and don't try to change the subject."

Johnny remained quiet knowing that Roy would be upset with him for not getting it checked out but the place was a zoo tonight. It was silly to pull a doctor just to look at his stupid shoulder that was just bruised by a stupid patient.

"Johnny?"

_Dang it_, he thought. He looked like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. "Honestly Roy it wasn't my fault. He was in the room but got called out for that trauma that 110 brought in. If it gives me any trouble I'll go back by."

Johnny was well known around the station as the minimizer. Leave it to him to get hurt and downplay the whole thing. Roy knew the place was hopping, every room was full and yes getting seen themselves would have been a wait. Knowing the young man sitting next to him so very well he would have to keep a close eye on him through the end of the shift. "Just please tell me if it starts giving you any trouble."

"I will, I will." _Yes!_, thought Johnny. Sometimes being the partner to your best friend and someone who could read you like a book was not a good thing. Keeping secrets from Roy was nothing short of challenging.

_Sure you will_, thought Roy. _That'll be the day._

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Mike Stoker was cooking his famous fried chicken and the station smelled wonderful when they backed into the bay and got out. Johnny rubbed his hands together, "Mmm, mmm. Yes. We are eating well tonight."

Since they had been gone all shift on one call after the other Roy knew dinner would have to wait on them, "Uh, Junior. I'm hungry too but do you remember we have to finish those hoses."

"Aww, come on Roy. Chicken then hoses?"

Roy almost grinned as he pictured him stomping his feet in a temper tantrum complete with waving arms and flying dark curly hair, just like one of his own kids, "Let's see how close Mike is to being ready. But I'm not hanging hose at ten o'clock tonight." Roy followed the now bouncing medic into the dayroom.

Everyone was lounging around, Chet Kelly and their Captain, Hank Stanley on the couch with Henry the station's Bassett hound while Mike nursed his chicken to perfection. Marco Lopez was setting the dishes on the table and putting down silverware. Johnny went straight to Mike and tried to work his way to the frying pan for a big sniff and maybe a few loose crumbs.

"Do you mind Gage?" Mike grumped at him as he used his elbow to try and shove Johnny back from the hot grease.

"Is it ready?" Johnny asked with just a tad bit of eagerness. _Please say yes, please say yes_. He did NOT want to hang hose. He was very sure that his growling stomach was much more of a priority in this particular situation.

"It'll be ready in about twenty minutes," Mike said as he shooed Johnny away with his tongs.

_Dang, dang, dang._

"Johnny." Roy's tone was that of a stern teacher catching a child passing a note in school.

He didn't want to turn around. _Dang that Mike, couldn't he cook just a little faster_?

"I know you can hear me Junior," Roy said as he watched Marco smile knowing the game between the two close friends.

"But Roy. Maybe if I help we can eat sooner." _Yea_, he thought_. I can help. I'm good at helping._

"I don't need any help," Mike so very helpfully added then hid the smile back towards the stovetop. He could help the game too, at least Roy's side of it.

Dropping his shoulders and hanging his head down, "Fine."

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Roy stood at the bottom and Johnny climbed the tower as they began their work. His eyes were fixated on watching that shoulder knowing that Johnny wouldn't easily admit to being hurt. Their long history of being paramedic partners on the job and best friends off the job had Roy ever keen as to how Johnny's various injuries affected him.

"Hey, pay attention down there. I want chicken!" He called from up above as he watched the hose almost smack Roy right on top of the head.

"Then focus on the hoses and not dinner and we'll get done faster," Roy shot back annoyed with himself almost as much as his absent minded partner up above.

They were finished quickly and Hank was yelling out of the kitchen that dinner was ready as Johnny headed down the ladder again. He was greeted by Roy with his hands on his hips.

"What?"

"You know exactly what," Roy said.

Johnny fought the urge to rub his aching shoulder knowing that mother Roy was ever watching. "Look, my shoulder is sore and annoying but I'm fine. You can quit mothering me now." Then turned and walked to the kitchen. For a few seconds he didn't hear Roy following him knowing perfectly well that he was still standing there with his hands still on his hips, ready to protest. But Johnny smiled to himself as the footsteps began to follow him. Of course deep down he loved that Roy kept close tabs on him, cared enough to make sure he was safe and unharmed.

He had too many years growing up where no one gave a crap about him so when he decided to enter the paramedic program the change in his life was nothing short of astounding. First he wound up working with Roy who quickly became not only his partner at work but his best friend. Then his shiftmates on the A-shift were a family in and of themselves. Finally, Roy's family had also taken him in as one of their own almost like they knew how much he needed a family to call his own. Now they were as close as brothers. For Johnny, Roy _was _his brother in fact, if not in blood then unquestionably in heart and soul.

Johnny entered the dayroom to find everyone already sitting and digging in. One thing about Mike's chicken there were never any leftovers, so lingering at getting to the table might leave you as a hungry fireman for the rest of the night. He looked back to the grumpy looking older medic reluctantly following him, "Come on or these vultures won't leave us anything."

"I'm coming," Roy said. What was he going to do that that kid?

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"So what are you doing with this long weekend off Junior?" Roy asked as he buckled up his pants then closed his locker door.

Johnny pushed his jean pant legs down after putting on his boots. He stood up with a big grin on his face, "Oh, well I have some special plans."

"Wow Gage, it takes special plans to get dumped on another date?" Chet added as he closed up his locker.

"You wish Chet. I have a hot date with Susanne this weekend and yes, it's going to be special." He shot Chet a wink which just fueled the fire.

"Not Susanne that new nurse in the ER?"

Johnny wiggled his eyebrows, "Of course."

"You have to be kidding me! Why in the world would she go out with you? She's hot!"

"My dear Chet," he walked over and patted him on the shoulder. "Someday when you're all grown up you can maybe …and I mean maybe…date some hot women like me."

Before Chet could stutter over his words Johnny was out the door in a flash. Roy just looked at the flustered man and shrugged then hurried out to catch up with Johnny before he was gone. But he didn't have to run to fast since Johnny was leaning against his Rover waiting on him.

"Uh, Roy?"

"What?" He was afraid to ask seeing the mischievous look on his face.

"Is Joanne gonna be home this weekend?"

That caught Roy by surprise. Usually Johnny was asking him to do something during their long weekends off. "I guess so, why?"

"I just wanna ask her something. Thanks buddy." He slide down off the hood and climbed in behind the steering wheel leaving Roy in mid unasked question. He was afraid to ask Roy since it was kinda personal but then maybe he should feel weird about over his head to his wife. But Joanne was big sister in all terms and he really wanted her advice on something. As he pulled out waving to Roy he hoped that his plan wouldn't backfire on him before the weekend was out. But Roy really shouldn't mind him borrowing his wife for a couple of hours? Would he?

What possible harm could come out of it?


	2. Chapter 2

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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_"Oh the nerves, the nerves; the mysteries of this machine called man! Oh the little that unhinges it, poor creatures that we are!" Charles Dickens._

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Thanks for the responses so far! Keep the reviews coming, they make the next chapter come out faster....hint hint hint :)

Chapter 2

Joanne worked on cleaning up the living room from the general clutter that just never seemed to end. It was the joy of having two small children in the house which could only made her smile. Her little family was her joy and all she really ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother. So this chaos that surrounded her was her own little piece of heaven.

Jennifer came into the living room with her tiny arms packed full of a miscellaneous assortment of arms legs, heads and bodies. "Mooommyyyyy"

She knelt down beside her with a smile, "What seems to be the problem darling?"

"My Barbie's are all broken."

"Well, I'm sure we can fix them right up. Just put um down right here."

The little tyke dropped the as sundry of parts on the floor and plopped down beside her mom. As they worked on putting the heads back on all the dolls Joanne couldn't help but giggle, "And exactly why did they all lose their heads again?"

"Dirty hair mommy," she said with an air of exasperation like it was very much obvious to the four year old even if not to her mom.

"Ahh. Well next time they need a hair washing let mommy know and I'll help you okay? We can play beauty salon."

That brought out a big smile on the little girl.

"Jo?" Roy called from the garage door.

"In the living room," she yelled back.

He came in with his hands covered in grease wiping them off with an old shop rag, "So, what did Johnny want?"

She broke out in a grin swearing that the man must be part psychic when it came to that partner of his. "And exactly how did you know that he called?"

"Intuition," he lied knowing that Chris told him when he came into the garage to bring him some tea. But he remained serious looking. "What exactly did he want with _my_ wife?"

She suppressed the giggle, two could play this game. "Oh just a little dinner and wine tomorrow night is all."

He stuck the rag in his back pocket and leaned against the wall eyeing her closely, "Wine makes you throw up. Not a good choice."

She stood up and stuck her hands in her back jeans pockets. "Glad you're looking out for my welfare. Knew I married you for some reason."

She was driving him nuts and they were both very much aware of it. "Anything else I should know about?" Roy said as he took a sip from his tea glass.

Taking a couple of steps towards him, "He's asking for my advice on something."

He put his glass down on the table. "That would be womanly advice I take it?"

"Why of course. Sometimes you have to go over the heads of the know-it-all men and straight to the source." She raised her eyebrows with a sly smile.

"Know it all men huh?" He took a couple of steps closer to her, they were almost touching now, but neither one did.

"Absolutely. There are just some things in this world that men are pretty clueless on." She leaned in a little closer to him.

"Clueless huh? So I guess we should just be stored in the garage when not needed?" He took two steps back from her.

She put her finger to her cheek, "Now, that's a good idea. Yours of course." Then moved closer to him.

"Well! Then back to where I belong," he turned with a smile on his face and headed back to the garage door.

"Oh no you don't Mr. DeSoto," she reached out and wrapped her arms around his waist.

He spun around in her arms and wrapped his around her, "What's this? Keep this up and you'll make me think I'm needed somehow." He let a tiny smile escape his lips which just made her pull him closer.

"Don't ever think that you're not needed around here," she said then planted a kiss on him. But before he could return the affection a little body squirmed its way between them. They both looked at each other with a 'oh well, later' glance and looked down.

"Can we help you?" Joanne asked her.

"I lost my head mommy," she said waving the headless doll at them.

Roy backed up and chuckled as he picked her up, "That definitely sounds like woman's problem to me hon." He passed her over to her mom with a wink.

"Cute," she smirked. "Come on, let's go look under your bed. It has to be somewhere."

Roy watched her walk off with their daughter but still had the question burning in his brain about what Johnny wanted his wife for.

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Roy finished his task in the garage, took a shower then joined his family for dinner. After a little TV the kids were put to bed and the evening found the couple sitting on the couch, Joanne leaning on him. Roy had managed to make it the rest of the day without prodding and probing his wife for answers but it was about to get to him at this point. The problem was that she knew him so well that she was silently enjoying his torture.

"So, what ya have planned for tomorrow?" His voice very casual as least he worked hard at keeping it that way.

"Oh things, you?"

_Dang her_. "Oh I thought I'd call Johnny to help me around the house and whittle down that list some."

She snuggled down a little closer to him but didn't say anything.

"That is unless he's um…busy already?"

She rolled over to face him, "This is going to drive you nuts isn't it?" She loved this man with all her heart but he wore his feelings on his sleeve.

"Well, shouldn't a husband be curious when another man is calling his wife?"

She giggled, "Another man. You make Johnny sound like the sleazy neighbor down the street."

He kissed her on the forehead. They had been together since elementary school and he still loved her more than life itself. "Okay, so he's not the sleazy neighbor but what is he plotting this weekend?"

"Do you know this Susanne he's going out with tomorrow?" She lay down with her head in his lap, his feet propped on the coffee table.

"Of course, a girl. I should have known." His voice reflected the irritation that was slowly gathering steam from way down low.

"Well, apparently not just any girl. Johnny is about to have a nervous breakdown over getting ready for this date. And yes he wanted my womanly advice, plus a little help."

"Help?"

She sat up, "I didn't think you would mind. He's having her over to his place and he asked if I would come over and help him fix it up a little for him and help him with the dinner menu."

Roy now frowned. "Johnny wants you to come clean his place for a date?"

She shook her head, "No, not clean just fancy it up a little. You know? A woman's touch."

He didn't know why but for some reason this rubbed him wrong. He gently pushed her off him and stood up, "Since when does Johnny need help cleaning for a date? That's his own problem, not ours."

She was a little taken aback by his reaction. Yes, she had held back on the details of his phone call but she wasn't really expecting anger from her husband. Since Johnny was family she hadn't hesitated to say yes to helping him out a little bit. But Roy was making her feel like she did something wrong.

"Why is this a problem Roy?"

She just didn't understand that he had to deal with Johnny and his endless list of girlfriends at work and it never bothered him, the tales, the breakups, the crazy details was all part of the game. Here was different. This was his home and family and dragging Joanne into his sorted life of women just didn't sit right with him.

"I wanted us to take the kids to the beach tomorrow." Was all he chose to say.

She shifted her position on the couch, "And when was this plan made?"

"Does it matter? You know I don't get many long weekends like this and I wanted to spend it with my family," he said trying to hide the frustration in his voice but apparently not doing a good job of it by the look on her face.

"I will be happy to pack us up a lunch and head to the beach as soon as I get back." She stood up and walked over to him, "I promised him to help out for a little bit. I'll go early then the rest of the day is ours." She felt him tense under her hands, "Roy?"

He relaxed as her hands rubbed his shoulders. He knew he couldn't explain it to her. It didn't really make him mad it just well, annoyed him for some reason. "Okay, lunch at the beach."

She quickly turned off the TV and lights to follow him upstairs. Making him relax for the night was her primary goal, something she was very good at.

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Roy came downstairs to the rich smell of brewing coffee and cooking bacon. Joanne looked up at him with a big smile as she put plates down at the table for him and her.

"Where are the kids?" He asked in a quiet voice. His feelings about today not really changed, if anything he was getting more upset about it.

She caught the tension right away, what was he so afraid of? "Jenny is next door for a play date with Katie for a couple of hours and Chris went down to Michaels to play some basketball." She took a chair and sat down beside him.

They ate in silence.

Joanne couldn't take it anymore. "I don't understand why you are so upset over this. I just want to do something nice for Johnny is all. This girl seems really important to him."

Roy pushed his plate away, "They are all important to him for a while. I just don't see why he has to drag you into it this time. Is this how all my days off will be. Me here working while you are helping him have the perfect date?"

"Roy, are you telling me I can't go?" She knew that would draw the line in the sand. He had never, in all their years of marriage, told her what she could and could not do.

He saw the challenge and that made him even madder feeling Johnny had started all this. So much for a nice long weekend at home, in peace. "I would prefer that you stay home with us today."

She stood steadfast, this was just retarded. "I know what you prefer. I don't understand it but I know what it is. He is family and he asked for my help. Since I told him yes I will go and help him out unless you want to tell me what this is really about."

Really about? What was that supposed to mean? This was simply him dragging her into his dating crap and for some reason that he couldn't explain it just didn't feel right. "There's no hidden agenda here Joanne. I just can't explain it. I have a bad feeling about this for some reason."

She pressed herself against him and gave him a big hug. "Nothing is going to happen Roy. I'm just going over to help him make a menu and help spruce up the place a little. He's never asked for help before like this. She must be pretty special."

Roy just shrugged. Oh, he kinda listened to his partners date escapades but there were times that he tuned him out, just a little. Especially when the stories got more lavish and detailed in a contest with Chet. There were just some things that Roy did not want to know about his partner's private life.

As Joanne picked up her purse to leave he stopped her at the door. "Call me when you get there and before you leave okay?"

She smiled and shook her head, "You are such a worry wart. No wonder Johnny feels like you mother him to death at work."

But he couldn't shake that nagging feeling. I mean, it was just Johnny's right? What could go wrong?


	3. Chapter 3

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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"When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest." Henry David Thoreau.

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Thanks for all there reviews, keep um coming!

Chapter 3

He woke up and stretched like a cat as he sat on the side of the bed, his hair all tasseled and falling in his eyes. Looking over to the clock he saw it was 8:30. At first it was just simply 8:30 then his own alarm went off as he realized, crap its 8:30! Joanne would be here in less than an hour and once again he had overslept. Jumping up he slipped on some jeans and a t-shirt and proceeded to run around the apartment like a madman. His place was a disaster and Joanne was coming over to spruce it up, not clean it up. Running down the hall he kept bending down and picking up stuff wondering how in the world he managed to have clothes in every room of the house. His place wasn't big, didn't need to be since it was only him but he never could figure out how it got so chaotic when he never seemed to be home. Seems like if he wasn't at the station he was often either out camping or over at Roy's.

Just as he was crawling under the kitchen table to get his boots out, the doorbell rang. Jumping up his head smack the underside of the table making him yelp. Knowing Joanne was waiting he just rubbed his head and jogged to the door. Opening it up he was instantly reminded why he called her up for help. She was beautiful in her faded blue jeans and pink denim snap up shirt, radiant smile and blue eyes that told how happy she was to see him.

"Joanne, come in."

"Morning Johnny, how are you today?" Despite her issues on getting out of the house she was determined to have a good couple of hours visiting with her favorite adopted brother.

He backed up and let her in, "_Really_ glad to see you."

She walked in to his living room, partial office, partial storage space, partial plant nursery, and partial uh…chaos. "Well, looks like we have our work cut out for us here."

Johnny winced, "Sorry. But I am really glad you're here. This date has me a nervous wreck."

She giggled, "Since when does a girl get Johnny Gage so rattled?"

Running his fingers through his still messed up hair he almost blushed under that tanned skin tone that was just natural to him. "Well it's just the first time I've asked her to my place and well, you know…"

Yea, Joanne knew the young man better than he probably even realized. There were very few women that Johnny dated long enough to bring back to his place. Oh he tried to convince his shift mates that he was a wild child but underneath Johnny was a lot deeper than anyone understood. For Susanne to be invited to his place she must be pretty special.

She looked around and shook her head. Maybe Roy's sixth sense was working on target here as she quickly determined this place was well beyond 'sprucing' up. "Okay, why don't we get dinner plans first then I'll get things picked up while you run to the grocery store."

He took her hand and kissed it, "Thank you for coming to my rescue. I'm so glad Roy let me borrow you for the morning. I'll really owe you one." He caught the very subtle change in her face.

She grinned, "Oh you won't owe me, you'll owe your partner."

He froze for a moment. "This was alright with Roy right?"

"I don't need Roy's permission to come and help out family," she winked at him. There was no way that Johnny was going feel bad or know that Roy had acted like an ass over it. But she saw the shadow of worry in his eyes.

"You're not gonna get me in hot water by coming over here are you?" He said with a half smile.

"Johnny, don't. This is fine. Roy and I are taking the kids to the beach later today and for right now I am your humble servant." She answered with a petite curtsy.

He took a deep breath, "Okay."

They moved to the kitchen and Johnny grabbed some paper and a pen as they sat down and worked out a dinner for him and Susanne with Joanne jotting down the needed grocery items. As they worked through the list the phone rang.

Joanne groaned, "Oh no. I forgot to call Roy and tell him I got here alright."

Johnny reached and picked it up, "Hello?"

"Yes Roy, she's here."

"No, she's fine."

"I know. I wasn't gonna…"

"Okay. I will." He hung up the phone and Joanne could see that her husband had not been the most pleasant thing on the phone. Johnny's body language was just as expressive as his eyes.

"Johnny?"

He smiled, "Roy's a little uptight over this huh?"

She grinned back, "He'll live."

Johnny was apprehensive to say the least. These were the two most important people in his life and the last thing he wanted to do was cause any trouble between them. They had a wonderful marriage and it was what Johnny hoped to have himself one day. Joanne was the big sister he always wanted to have being warm, compassionate, funny, beautiful and smarter than him and Roy put together.

"Let's get this done and get you to the grocery store," she said trying to pull him back to the task at hand.

As she ran through the menu for his date he was just amazed at how she put him as the focus of all her attentions like he was the most important thing to her world right now. But that was Joanne. She spent her time and energy taking care of everyone else and Johnny was ever so thankful to be a part of that blessed family circle.

She brought him out of his revere, "Okay, how does that sound?"

He could only nod since he really had kinda drifted off for a moment. "Sounds great Jo."

"Okay, why don't you take this and run to the store while I get started around here." She stood up and started to the sink.

"Sure. I won't be gone long. Make yourself at home." Johnny grabbed his keys and ran out the door; list in hand with a tight time frame. Roy hadn't yelled at him but he caught the subtle tone reflecting that he wasn't exactly pleased with his wife not being home. He would get done quickly and get Joanne back home safe and sound.

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Roy putzed around in the garage but alternated between deep sighs of worry and banging out his frustration on his poor car's engine. If he was ticked off at the thought of Joanne cleaning Johnny's place for a date then he was feeling pangs of guilt for even thinking that way about his partner and best friend. It had been a long stressful week at work and the lack of sleep was now getting to him. By now he was nothing short of exhausted. Add to that the kids were running all over the place and his attempts to get them to help him gather beach stuff were going nowhere.

Maybe he would go call her, you know just to tell her he was sorry. He knew that he also needed to talk to Johnny again and apologize for being testy on the phone. Maybe he could even go over there and surprise her. He smiled. She was headstrong and stubborn at times, especially when it came to Johnny. She was truly a protective big sister of him so why in the world would he be surprised that she wanted to go help him? He looked at the clock. Two more hours and they would be heading to the beach as a family. Actually Johnny not being with them they would feel one short all day but they would have to make do since he had a 'special' date tonight.

Feeling better he went inside to get cleaned up and gather the kids.

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Joanne started in the kitchen and finished up the few dishes that were in the sink, swept and mopped then dug through cabinets to find a table cloth. She had thought ahead and brought a vase with some fresh flowers from her garden which she placed in the center of the table. Stepping back she decided that this room was ready. Next she turned to the more cluttered room wondering how any one person could accumulate this much stuff in one place.

For a moment she tried to picture what his locker at work looked like. No surely not, she laughed to herself. Roy would be all over the poor young man at work and if not him then definitely Hank. That big brother syndrome was always at work in her husband when it came to Johnny.

Taking a deep breath she began the rapid and well organized work of de-disastering the living room. First this called for some working music to make it go faster. Turning on the radio on the bookshelf she found a good station, turned it up and began looking into the little closet for the vacuum. Flipping the on switch she had to wave away the dust cloud and coughed. "Great", she chuckled. After dumping out the overstuffed filter she turned it on again. Good lord, it sounded like the dinosaur that ate LA. Who would have thought she would need earplugs just to vacuum?

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He moved up the stairs knowing exactly where he was headed and what he wanted. He had told himself he wouldn't do this and had even come up with several reasons why to not do it but something just drew him here, so why fight it? Smiling he stood outside the door and could heard a vacuum running inside, even heard over a radio. He chuckled to himself, "Even better for sneaking up on you my dear". This would be great and had the potential to be a lot of fun before it was all over. Turning the knob he was very surprised to find it unlocked and proceeded to put away his little handy pack of tools back on his hip.

This was almost too easy.

With the roar of the monster she didn't hear him come in. Hell, she wouldn't have heard the building come down around her he pretty much surmised. He looked at her very nice figure pushing the machine, cleaning the floor. He couldn't wait to get some of that. Pausing for a moment he grinned from ear to ear, flowers on the table? Boy, she pulled out all the stops didn't she? Reaching behind him he locked the door back very quietly although it just wasn't needed.

Unable to contain himself any longer he moved up right behind her.

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Have you ever had the sensation that someone is watching you? Joanne had that feeling. She knew it was too early for Johnny to be back and with a smirk on her face she pictured Roy behind her. It would be just like him to come over and check up on her. If anything she should be furious at him for not trusting her to do what she promised to do. Smiling she decided to pretend to be mad at first then give him a hard time about it. There was no way he could stay upset with Johnny for long. She could feel that he was close to her now, so close that if the vacuum wasn't rendering her deaf she could probably hear him breathing. Wetting her lips she turned around quickly to face him.

But the masked man behind her was not Roy. As she started to scream in terror his hand went across her mouth and what little sound that did escape only drowned out by the continue roar of the dinosaur and the upbeat music of the radio behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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"The worst pain one can suffer: to have insight into much and power over nothing." Herodotus.

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Thanks for all the reviews....keep um coming!

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Chapter 4

She kicked and fought back as hard as she could but found she couldn't scream as he pulled her down the hall by the crook of his arm which was effectively wrapped around her throat. Thrown off balance her feet went out from under her and the pressure on her throat dramatically increased threatening to suffocate the very life out of her so she worked to shift the angle just enough to keep some air flow going to her lungs. He turned into the first bedroom that he reached and shoved her to the ground on her rear. Fear gripped every cell of her body and she knew that she had to let someone know what was happening so she immediately began screaming that is until his fist impacted the side of her face abruptly convincing her to stop.

"Shut up!" He yelled at her. "Why do you bitches always have to scream?"

The pain in her cheek and jaw was nothing compared to the chill that ran down her spine with his statement. That was when she realized that this was routine for him, practiced, and apparently he was completely unconcerned at getting caught. Her head was pounding as she focused on how to get out of this in one piece. She looked at the man in front of her, not particuarly tall but he was stocky, strong and muscular. He donned a black t-shirt, black jeans and gloves with a black ski mask revealing only his dark green eyes to her. She wanted to memorize every detail possible.

"What do you want?" She asked him as he started going through the dresser drawers.

"What do you think I want? Where do you keep the jewelry?"

She scooted back, against the end of the bed, tasting the blood in her mouth from her cut inside her cheek and busted lip. Okay, she thought, maybe he would take what he wanted and leave. By now her jaw was throbbing and she felt dizzy but all she could think of was the one man that she loved so much and how much she needed him right now. Her thoughts also went to Johnny and although she wanted him to come crashing through the door and save her she was afraid of what this man could do to him.

"There's no jewelry here." She didn't know how to tell him that she didn't live her, that no woman had jewelry waiting to be taken from here. Apparently it only took that one sentence to completely piss him off as he walked over and kicked her in her stomach as hard as he could. His boot landed right in her side causing her to cry out and fall to her side with the intense pain that surged through her body.

"Of course there's jewelry here," he said as he reached down and ripped the necklace from around her neck and then pointed to her wedding ring. He smiled, "I want that."

Her world was going black from the searing pain in her side and she found that taking a breath was now hard to do. She could feel him ripping the ring from her finger. "No, please," she begged him between gasps. Annoyed with the stupid woman that continued to not be able to shut up he finished getting the ring as his own and proceeded to kick her again in the stomach. Why did they ever think they would win? The more he had to beat them to make them listen then the less fun they were later on.

She had to get help and she knew she had to get out of there before he killed her, or worse. Pushing herself up to her knees she fought to not pass out even though her world was already growing dark; she was unable to breath. Then something harder than his fist slammed into the side of her head one last time and she lost consciousness with her last though being of Roy and her children wondering if she would ever see them again.

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Both arms were full of groceries as he bounced up the stairs, taking them 2 at a time. This wasn't the first date with Susanne but he really liked her. It wasn't often that he invited a date to his place despite what Chet and the others at the station might think about him. Of course he knew perfectly well that he was just a little to blame for that misconception about his love life but nothing annoyed him more Chet's endless ragging on him for not having a date. Joanne coming to help him get ready was perfect and he couldn't wait to see what she had done with his place so far. He knew he still had a lot of cleaning to do but her helping him even plan a nice dinner was wonderful. The woman could work miracles in his eyes. When he reached for the door it was locked which he didn't remember doing. Putting down the bags he dug again for his keys and swung the door open.

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Annoyed at not finding anything of any value the man looked down at the woman lying on the floor. This was her fault, not showing him where the good stuff was in the house but he had no plans on leaving completely unsatisified. Pushing her unconscious body over with his foot until she was on her back he stood over her and grinned. Of course it was much more fun with they were awake and fighting him a little but this was fine too in his mind. After he shoved the necklace and ring into his pocket he reached down and unbuckled his belt, this wouldn't take long.

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The living room looked like a new place as he passed through and put the groceries down on the kitchen table. With a big goofy grin on his face he turned back to the living room to find her. That 100 year old vacuum of his was still running but he didn't see her. Reaching for the off switch and then turning off the radio he listened for her but what he heard was rough banging of drawers coming from his room. That was odd, he was sure Joanne wouldn't go rummaging through his dresser. Wandering down the hallway, with curiosity, he grabbed onto the door frame and kinda swung his body around to see inside, "Jo, what'cha doing?"

The site he found was nothing short of horrifying. Joanne was crumpled on the floor with a pool of blood around her head and a man standing over her preparing to do something with her that made Johnny want to retch. "Oh God Jo!" He immediately ran full force into the man knocking him back on the bed but he was ready for Johnny and immediately grabbed onto him rolling them onto the floor with Johnny on the bottom. The invador placed his arm directly on Johnny's throat and reached for something beside him. As Johnny struggled to get up he felt a cord being wrapped around his neck. Instinctively he put his hand between the cord and his skin to try and keep it from getting tight but the man on top of him was very strong and he knew that he had to get the advantage quickly. Pulling his knee up the got the man right in the crotch and although it wasn't a very forceful kick because of his position it was enough to get him off of him.

She couldn't move, each breath was almost impossible but when she heard Johnny's voice fear for him forced her to open her eyes. She screamed but nothing came out as it only echoed inside her own pained head. All she could do way lay there and watch her own personal nightmare as Johnny fought off her attacker.

Quickly unwrapping the cord from his neck and sucking in some rich oxygen to his lungs he threw it to the ground and turned his attention to the assailant again seeing that he had recovered just as quickly. Finding himself thrown back against the dresser the man's hands searched for something to fight back with as he regained his footing. He smiled under the mask as his hand found something standing next to the dresser. Before Johnny could take a step towards him the man pulled out the bat from around behind him, the bat that he used to play baseball with Chris. When the wooden club made contact with his right side the very breath was knocked out of Johnny and he fell to the ground with a hard grunt of pain.

Joanne watched him fall as a tear ran down her check before she sucommed to the darkness that fought to take her.

Johnny hit the carpet as he struggled to suck some air into his battered lungs. Down on his hands and knees he watched the feet run out of the room. Apparently that was enough for the unknown robber who decided to get out while the getting was good. Rolling to his side for a few seconds he found he couldn't take a breath but then slowly his chest relaxed and allowed the air to come in. His only thoughts were for Joanne and how much she needed him while he fought to stay conscious. As he pushed back up on his knees his empty stomach threatened to repel its few contents causing him to swallow hard and push it back down. He had to reach her, she was the priority.

She was stilly lying on her back, arms out beside her. First he reached for a pulse silently praying to simply find one. The carpet was becoming saturated with her blood and his own heart was in his throat by now. Shaking, his fingers reached around her neck for her carotid pulse, "Please Jo." He whispered as he tried to remain still long enough to feel something. It was there, faint but there. In the now quiet he could hear her gurgling on her own blood and he knew he had to move her to protect her airway. Pushing aside his own pain he took her by the shoulder with one hand and placed his other one at her neck gently rolled her to her side. Moving to where he could face her he was now able to see the damage that the man had left behind.

His heart was broken.

This wouldn't have happened if she had been at home taking care of her own family instead of tending to his petty wants. But he had to focus on getting help right away. Assured that she was breathing on her own he used the bed to help him find his own feet, his hand clamping his right side with the pain that shot throughout his chest. The initial waves of nausea now gone he stumbled to the other side of his bed to get to the phone. But the phone was lying on the floor, blood on the handset, the cord ripped from the wall.

He had to get to the kitchen. With one last glance down to her he made his way down the hall, leaning against wall not realizing the trail of smeared blood from his hands that he left behind. Once in the kitchen he fell to his knees, winded, dizzy and exhausted. Phone. He had to reach the phone. With another push he got the phone, dialed dispatch, and got out his need for the police, ambulance and a squad. He then dialed for the worst phone call of his entire life, to call Roy. But there was no answer and although one might think he was relieve it only sent a surge of panic through him. Joanne needed him at her side as soon as possible, he had to find his friend. Making his way back to her he knelt down beside her, holding her hand and tenderly brushing the hair from her face. "I'm so sorry Joanne, this is all my fault. Please don't give up Roy needs you too bad. Please Jo." He focused on every breath she took, constantly following her pulse and held pressure to the open gash on the side of her head.

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It seemed like forever but he finally heard the banging on the door. He tried to yell as loud as he could for them but he couldn't take a deep breath to yell with. Knowing the door was unlocked he simply waited for them to come on in as he heard them hollering "fire department." He was now numb to his own pain, his own injuries forgotten just simply glad that help was here.

He leaned against the bed as he watched them round the corner and look into the room. It was Brice and Dwyer and the look on thier face reflected the nightmare that he had just lived through. The police were right behind them and as the medics surrounded Joanne, the police surrounded Johnny.


	5. Chapter 5

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

_  
"Regrets and recriminations only hurt your soul."_

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_Thanks for hanging in there with me through the last chapter, not pleasant I know. Keep letting me know what you think. I need reviews! As one of my reviewers said? Feed me Seymour…_

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Chapter 5

Brice and Dwyer inwardly shuddered at the blood that streaked down the walls of the hallway and dreaded what they would find around the corner. Now Dwyer knew this was Johnny's place and his worst fear was that it would be Johnny they would find, the source of all that blood, but as they came around the corner it was actually worse. If that was even possible. Johnny sat leaning against the edge of the bed, his hands covered in blood as he tried to hold pressure to the head of an unconscious woman's body lying at his feet.

What the hell happened here? As they put their boxes down Dwyer tried to catch Johnny's eyes but he was only focused on the body before them, almost as if in a trance, probably shock he thought to himself. Brice went straight to work beginning his assessment with the skill and precision of a master Swiss time piece craftsman. This was a time when technical skill was crucial if a life was going to be saved.

"Johnny what happened?" Dwyer asked him wondering if his friend could even answer.

"Someone… broke in …and attacked her…" he said with little emotion. He looked up to see an officer standing over him who grabbed his arm and jerked him up. He grimaced but didn't fight back as he made him stand up and moved him over to the chair on the other side of the room. What had happened was unimaginable but the look in that officer's eyes sent a cold fear through him. God, they think he did this to her.

"You're gonna tell us exactly what happened here," the officer said to him as he pulled out his handcuffs and pulled Johnny's arms together in front of him.

"I didn't do this, we were robbed," he tried to tell him but this officer didn't know who he was and he knew he sounded like a babbling idiot.

Brice looked back, "Officer, this man is John Gage. He is a fireman and paramedic with us in the LA County Fire Department."

The officer wasn't impressed. He turned back to Johnny, "Start explaining."

The next officer that walked through the room approached him, spoke briefly to the first officer and motioned him away. After taking out his key he removed the handcuffs from Johnny's blood covered hands. With a deep sigh of relief Johnny looked up to see Vince kneeling down beside him. "Johnny, can you tell me what happened?" Vince said as he eyed the young man closely, without suspicion but with deep concern.

"She was helping me around the house today. I went to the grocery store and when I got back I found him in the bedroom with her like this. I tried to stop him." Johnny talked but his eyes never left the medics working on Joanne. Their purposeful but highly intensive motions told him how badly she was doing. This was one time he was thankful for Dwyer, and even Brice knowing they would take good care of her.

Vince somehow managed to get a brief description of the assailant out of him and a general idea of what had transpired but he was afraid the information was so vague it might not help much. The officer saw the young man's washed out complexion and his look of emotional shock, "Johnny did you get hurt?" Dwyer heard the question and looked up to see Johnny's response.

But Johnny wasn't about to draw attention to himself right now, "No, I'm fine."

"What's her name?" Vince asked thinking it was a girlfriend of Johnny's.

He almost choked on the words, "It's Joanne…Joanne DeSoto, its Roy's wife. She was over here helping me…" with a date. A damn date.

Brice and Dwyer looked at each other and the quiet curse words under their breath weren't audible to Johnny but the looks in their eyes were easily read. After that Johnny didn't hear anything that Vince said, he only focused on Dwyer and Brice's actions and the report to Rampart. They opened the link and called in report. "Rampart 26 year old female, victim of an assault. She is unconscious and unresponsive to painful stimuli. There is a large laceration to the right side of her head with significant blood loss and possible skull fracture, pupils are sluggish but reactive. Rampart there is clear fluid in both ears. Her jaw appears to be broken; there is significant bruising to her abdomen on the right side. Pulse is 130, blood pressure 70/40, respirations 14 and shallow."

Johnny listened and his heart sank to his knees. She was critically injured, it was bad. Vince was asking him questions again and as he tried to focus he heard Roy's name. Looking up, "What?"

"Johnny, have you called Roy?" Vince asked him.

"I tried but there was no answer. They were going to the beach around noon today; he might be out getting stuff for that."

Then the hard question came, "Johnny do you know if she was sexually assaulted?"

Johnny swallowed hard just at the thought, "No. I think he was going to …." He paused, unable to say the word rape and Joanne in the same breath. "I stopped him." He looked down at the pool of blood in the carpet. God, what was he going to tell Roy? How could he even begin to tell him what happened?

He focused enough to realize that Dwyer was now kneeling down beside him and asking if he was okay. He felt his fingers on his wrist trying to obtain a pulse but pulled away. Lying, he said he was fine, the robber didn't get him. There was no way that he would allow them to take time on him when Joanne needed every bit of their help right now. His stomach was kinda numb now, well actually his whole body seemed to be separated from his brain so his own injuries were no longer in his thought processes. Everything around him seemed surreal, almost like a dream. A very, very bad dream.

The ambulance attendants came in and they placed her, backboard and neck brace in place, on the stretcher. She had two IV's going because her blood pressure was too low, her head was bandaged but the white dressing was turning red as he watched them leave. Dwyer looked back at him, not convinced that Johnny was alright. "Johnny I want you to ride in with us."

He shook his head and proceeded to look for his keys, "I'll follow you in. I'm going to try Roy again."

The medic shook his head knowing that there wasn't more he could do right now and he had to get her rolling right away. He followed them to the front door and with one last pat on the shoulder Dwyer looked at him, "You're coming right?"

"Yea. I'll be right there."

At least Dwyer knew he would be at the hospital and they could check him out too. Johnny closed the door behind them and turned to the kitchen to get the phone. Dialing the number again his hands were shaking and when Roy answered the phone this time he caught his breath.

"Roy?"

"Hey Johnny. You guys almost finished up there?" He sounded in such a better mood now.

Pause and deep breath. "Roy something's happened."

He froze at the tone of Johnny's voice. "Johnny what's wrong?"

"Joanne's been hurt and you need to go to Rampart right away."

"What!?"

"Hurry Roy, just get there as soon as you can. I'll explain there."

Roy's heart was racing as he hung up the phone. His mind was going a thousand miles an hour. Joanne was hurt. Johnny sounded…well…the fear in his voice was unmistakable. He told him to hurry. Kids, where are the kids. Need to find someone to take care of them. He was turning in circles for a moment then picked up the phone to call the neighbor. Yes, they will watch them.

He quickly gathered them up, herded like cattle and rushed next door with no provisions and little explanation. Mary would take care of them and whatever they needed he was sure of that. Joanne. His only thought was getting to her as fast as possible. Johnny said to hurry. Oh God, what does that mean? Hurry means that time is running out and that made him drive in full panic mode. He didn't remember the lights passing by, the stop signs that he might not have stopped completely at, the honking of his horn to make people move faster.

They had argued. His last words were testy. Did he tell her how much he loved her? Please God, give me the chance tell her I love her.

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The conversation was short; the panic in his best friend's voice easily heard then the slam of the phone. Johnny picked up his keys and left for the hospital. Roy would be there soon, only then could he try and apologize for what had happened. That is if Roy would listen to him.

Vince was beside him as he made the call. The police were combing his place, taking samples of the blood on the floor and along the wall, looking for fingerprints and anything that might help them find the man. To Johnny his apartment being a crime scene rattled him to the core. He only prayed it wouldn't be a murder scene. Vince had offered to take him to the hospital but Johnny wanted the time alone. He needed the time to sort through what happened and time to figure out how to tell his best friend and brother that his wife might have been mortally injured. And finally, time to pray that he wouldn't lose his family as a result of this nightmare.

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Johnny pulled into the ER parking lot and groaned as he climbed out of the Rover. His stomach and side were very sore by now and he knew that a helping hot shower was not going to happen any time soon. Reaching into his glove box he took out some aspirin and swallowed them with a swig of the old pop that sat in the passenger seat. There was no squad in the parking lot which meant that Brice and Dwyer had been called out immediately after bringing her in. With great trepidation and anxiety he walked into the ER bay doors and headed to the nurse's station to see which room she was in. He watched Dixie run out of the trauma/surgical room for more supplies. The look on her normally all business face scared him because it was rare that Dixie McCall looked scared herself.

"Dix?"

She simply shook her head and ran back into the room. He pressed his back against the wall across from her room and slid down it.

He was completely and utterly devastated. Placing his head in his hands he let the tears come.


	6. Chapter 6

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

_  
"When wealth is lost, nothing is lost.  
When health is lost, something is lost.  
When faith is lost, all is lost."  
Billy Graham_

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_Reviews….never too many! Keep clicking the little green button and talking to me. It inspires me to get the next chapter out faster and faster._

_I think I scared some of ya in the last chapter ending. Have a little faith in me, lol. Johnny seeing Dixie's scared face was the final confirmation that the nightmare had actually happened._

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Chapter 6

The activity in the room across from him didn't slow down. Some of the orders drifted out the door as he heard the words brain CT, blood transfusion, and ventilator echoing out the door. They swirled in his brain like a bad dream but the aching in his body kept him keen to the reality of where he was. It was the hand of Joe Early that made him look up.

"Johnny?"

He was unsure how long he had been crouched down there. He wiped his eyes, "Doc? How is she?"

"We are trying to stabilize her. Have you called Roy?"

Johnny nodded as he remembered the terrible phone call but at that same moment he saw Roy's form come running down the hall with blue eyes full of fear. When Early looked towards Roy, Johnny made his way back up the wall slowly and painfully to stand up again.

Roy's eyes moved between the two men and chose to lock on Johnny first. "Johnny, what happened!?" He yelled at him.

Johnny visibly flinched at his harsh tone of voice, "Roy someone broke in, I tried…" That was all he got out before Roy turned away from him and towards Early effectively shutting him out.

"Where is she?" He was almost in tears at this point.

Joe took him by the shoulder, "Roy, we are working to stabilize her now. You can come in and see her but I want you to know what to expect."

Roy's eyes got bigger and he took a step back, his heart was pounding in his chest. It must be really bad for Joe to want to prepare him for it.

He continued, "She was pretty badly beaten."

Roy shot a look of shocked surprise over to Johnny that made the young man's heart fall just a little deeper down. Early took noted of the exchange between the friends but kept going. "We thought her jaw might be broken but it's not. She has a skull fracture, a broken rib and a partially collapsed lung. They had to place an esophageal airway in her during transport to stabilize her breathing effort. There was also blunt abdominal trauma but there are no signs of internal bleeding right now. We're gonna move her up to ICU in just a little bit."

Roy was so overwhelmed he didn't know what to feel. He could hear all the words, all the medical jargon but he wasn't really listening anymore. Throwing up was a real possibility as he felt his stomach twisting and turning. Looking over to Johnny he could see a labyrinth of grief in the man's face but he didn't feel anything for him. All that replayed in his mind was that she shouldn't have been there. This was Johnny's fault. He did this to her.

He felt Joe take his arm and begin to lead him to her room. Tears ran down his face as he walked up to her. She was hardly recognizable, her face now swollen on the side, her beautiful lips battered and bruised as the bandage to her head wrapped all around her head and down under her chin. Her eyes had dark circles all around them from the skull fracture, her color pale from the blood loss. They had a sheet over her but he could hear the bubbling of the chest tube and the cycling of the ventilator. Taking her hand he gave it a gentle squeeze, "Jo?" He was vaguely aware that Kel Brackett and Dixie were in the room but all he could focus on was her lack of return squeeze, her complete lack of response to him.

A wave of fear swept through him. Maybe it was worse than they were telling him, much worse. Was she going to make it though this? Was he going to lose the love of his life this way? He looked when he felt Kel's hand on his shoulder and saw the immense sadness in the older man's eyes, "Roy, we're going to move her up to ICU now. You can see her again after we settle her in okay?"

Brackett's heart went out to this man that was also his friend knowing there was little that could leave you feeling more helpless than seeing a loved one brutally assaulted like this. Roy bent down and kissed her on the forehead but then felt Dixie leading him out of the room again. Once out in the hallway he just stood not sure what to do. He felt so lost and alone. Looking up he saw Johnny coming up to him. He didn't know what happened other than the most important person to him in the world was severely injured and Johnny let it happen.

"Roy?" He needed to talk to him so bad. He desperately needed to tell him what happened, to tell him how sorry he was. And more than anything he needed to hear that Roy didn't hate him for it.

Rage flashed through his fog of grief. All he could see was her lying there, helpless and without even thinking about it he grabbed Johnny by the shirt and shoved him hard against the wall. "What the hell happened?! What did you do to her! Why didn't you stop him?!" They weren't even questions, only screaming accusations. Johnny knew that his friend and brother was hurting beyond comprehension, beyond knowing what he was doing but they were the same questions he kept asking himself, over and over. How could he answer them to Roy when he couldn't answer them himself?

"I went to the store. He was there when I came back. Roy I tried…" he was stammering over his words, not really sure what to say. Not sure what Roy needed to hear right now. It was a blur in his own mind and right now his head was spinning. He felt Roy's grip on him broken and looking up he saw that it was Brackett and Morton pulling Roy off of him.

"Roy, stop it!" Morton yelled as he drug Roy to the other side of the hallway. He had no idea what was going on but seeing these two going after each other was unnerving to say the least.

Kel was immediately at Johnny's side, "Johnny, are you okay?" Brackett asked seeing the look of shock on his face. Dwyer had filled him in briefly about what had happened and his own concerns for how Johnny was doing. Brackett did a rapid visual assessment. The young man was pale, diaphoretic and looked in shock. But then who wouldn't after going through that type of emotional trauma?

Johnny simply nodded yes. It was getting a little hard to breath and he suddenly felt the need to get out and get some air. No longer listening to anyone near him he stepped away and went down the hall.

"Johnny!" Brackett called but at the same time Dixie called for him. "Dix, I want to see Johnny in a room when he comes back in," he said as he passed her and went back in with Joanne.

Roy didn't even listen and Dixie looked lost as to what brought that on. What was wrong with Johnny if he wasn't even in there?

Passing the ER bay doors he almost stumbled outside and made his way to the Rover. Climbing inside he just needed a moment to himself, to pull it together again. He had to be there for Joanne but for now he rested his head on the steering wheel and focused on slowing his breathing down in an attempt to get his head to stop pounding. His stomach was churning and suddenly feeling the need to heave he threw open the door, jumped out and retched until he was doubled over in pain.

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Roy took the elevators upstairs and began pacing the waiting room as they brought Joanne up the staff elevators and worked at settling her in. All he wanted to do was to get back in there with her feeling that every moment he was away something could happen again and he might lose her before seeing her beautiful blue eyes once more. Hearing the elevator ding he looked up and was surprised to see Hank and Emily come rushing off of it.

"Cap," he said softly. Guess Dixie called them after the scene he made in the ER with Johnny.

"Roy, we are so sorry to hear what happened. How is she?" Emily asked as she took his hand.

Her caring and compassion was more than he could take and he sat down next to her and cried. She just put her arm around him and held him. Hank knelt down in front of him, "Roy, do they know who did it?"

He shook his head, "No, Johnny let him get away." The flash of anger came across again.

Hank knew the man was scared to death for his wife and anger was a very normal part of that fear. The man was angry that he wasn't there to protect her that he couldn't stop what had happened, and fearful of what would happen next. Her condition was critical and Hank knew from Dr. Brackett's report downstairs that they could still lose her. Once she made it past the physical concerns then the emotional ones would surely follow.

He had also been able to talk to Vince when he was in the ER and knew that she had been alone but Johnny had stopped the continued assault on her and an obvious attempt at raping her. The young medic had saved her life. Surely Roy understood that. "Roy, I talked to Vince. He responded to the scene," Hank said. He knew Roy had enough to deal with but he needed to know the truth and get the wild visions of what he pictured happening out of his head.

"Did he say what happened?" Roy asked quietly.

"Apparently the man attacked her and Johnny came in and stopped him. He did get away but Vince was pretty convinced that if Johnny hadn't of stopped him that she more than likely would have been killed."

Roy popped his head up, "She shouldn't have been there anyway. Why the hell did he leave her there alone?"

Hank could feel the man's pain. As he looked at his own beautiful wife, that he loved more than anything in the world, he tried to imagine what he would feel if he were in the same situation. "Have you talked to him Roy?" Actually Hank knew exactly what had happened but he wanted Roy to say it.

"Yea, I talked to him but he had no answers. Just kept apologizing so it must have been his fault."

The Captain knew how close the two friends were. They were as much brothers as those who shared the same blood. "He will feel guilty about anything that ever happened to you or Joanne, you know that." Hank then paused. "Even if he has no reason to apologize."

Yes. Roy knew that somewhere down deep. But he was angry right now. He needed to lash out at someone and Johnny was the one right in the middle of this mess.

"Mr. DeSoto?"

He looked up to see a nurse standing at the ICU doors, "Yes?"

"You can see your wife now," she said as she held the door for him.

Hank stood up and took his arm, "Roy, where is Johnny now?"

Roy pulled his arm away, "I don't give a damn where he is." He then turned and walked through the doors to be at his wife's side.

Hank stepped over to his own wife and took a deep breath, "This is bad Em." He knew that three people were hurting here and if he didn't help them figure this out he would be watching a family fall apart at the seams, possibly beyond repair.


	7. Chapter 7

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

_  
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"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never, ever completely forget about it." Jacques Prevert.

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Chapter 7

Emily just held her husband close knowing that anytime a shift mate from his crew was hurting then so was he. They were a very tight family at that stationhouse and for her husband they were his charges in life, to watch after and protect. He was always on the job even when at home.

"He just needs time honey. He needs to know that she will be alright first," she told him knowing that his care and concern for his crew had always made her love him even more.

"I know it's just so not Roy to act this way. I mean he's like the rock at the station, always the calm head and I've never seen him act this way to Johnny." Hank was still reeling from everything that had transpired so far.

She pulled back from him, "Hank no one can prepare for something like this. This is emotion at its rawest and it doesn't always follow the rules that we expect of it. Down below the anger Roy still feels the same for Johnny we just have to help him find that again."

It was hard to argue with her when the conviction was so strong in her eyes. She was so much stronger than him in many ways. "I need to find Johnny," he said as he kissed her on top of her head. He had yet to see him and really find out what happened.

She smiled at him, "I know. I'll wait here in case Roy needs anything."

*************************************

Roy walked into the small ICU room and no matter how many times he'd had to step into one of these rooms, for whatever reason, it was still overwhelming. Monitors everywhere, noises and alarms that would stop your heart in the fraction of a second. He hated this room. He stood beside her bed and gently caressed the hair that fell at her shoulders tracing his finger along her cheek. He needed to feel that warmth as some form of reassurances that she was still here with him. Bending down he kissed her lightly on her forehead. The first thing he noticed was that she now had a nasal cannula on, "When did they take her off the ventilator?"

The nurse in the room with him looked up and smiled. "She started breathing on her own in the ER and Dr. Brackett changed her to a cannula. She's doing very well with it so far."

Looking down he realized her eyes were open. His voice broke as he called her name, "Jo?"

Her voice was very hoarse and hard to hear but it was still sweet music to his ears. "Roy?"

"Shh. I'm right here babe. You're safe now. You're going to be alright." He just wanted to pick her up and hold her so badly. Feeling her in his arms would make everything better. Somehow he would make everything right again. She whispered something to him, her voice so weak.

"Please rest Jo." She was awake and responsive, so much more than he expected this soon he didn't want her to push it.

"John…ny?"

Roy visibly flinched and stiffened. She was worried about him? "He's not here Jo." He just couldn't bring himself to say anything more.

A tear ran down her cheek. He got close to her and kissed her lightly on the lips, "Please don't cry babe. It's okay now. I'm right here."

But there was something that she needed to tell him, "John…ny." The look on his face told her that he wasn't understanding but it also said something else. As she struggled to sort it all out she felt the darkness drawing her back again before she could share her worry.

*******************************

Johnny straightened himself up and pulled his body back into the truck. Wiping the sweat off his brow he reached in for some more aspirin. Somehow he had to get back in there and be there for Joanne. His head throbbed as he slung it back to swallow the pills and then he saw her.

Great. Dixie was heading towards him. Not what he wanted to deal with right now.

"Where do you think you're going?" She said with her hands on her hips.

Johnny stayed turned away from her. "I'm not going anywhere. I just needed some air is all."

Dixie didn't see what transpired between the two men but she heard all about it from Kel. They had so rattled the doctor that he went to her for some reassurance that the earth hadn't started rotating the other direction. Her voice softened. "You know this isn't your fault Johnny." It wasn't a question but a statement of fact.

But she just didn't understand. He turned abruptly to her, "Not my fault? The only reason she was even over at my place was because I asked her to come. And do you know why Dix? Because I had a date coming over. A lousy, stupid date. She came over to help me fix up my place and get dinner ready. Roy didn't even want her to come and he was right. If she had been home with her family then nothing would have happened to her!"

She was shaken by this so called ranting slash confession. It answered a lot of questions including Roy's reaction in the hallway but she was worried about him as he stared at her. His face was wet with sweat, he was pale. Pushing aside all that he just managed to spill out she reached for his arm. "Johnny, are you alright?"

Once again they worried about him when she should be inside taking care of Joanne, "I'm fine." He would have gotten out and stomped back into the hospital if he thought he could walk without falling down but he still felt shaky from the vomiting. His eyes softened at her concern but he also had to distract her, "Dix, I'm fine. How is Jo doing?"

"She's stable and up in ICU. Roy's with her now. Why don't you go check on them?" What happened between the two men frightened her almost as much as seeing Joanne when she came in. They were best friends and brothers and she knew Roy was upset but a part of her was still shocked that he took it out on Johnny.

He held his head low, "I'll check on Joanne but Roy doesn't want me around."

"Roy is angry at the world right now. You were right there and the easiest to blame Johnny so he took it out on you. It was a horrible random act of violence but it was not your fault." She could see by the look in his eyes that she wasn't getting through to him at all. "Johnny, you didn't do this to her and you know that you saved her from something more horrible."

The thought of what that monster could have done to her still sickened him. If that had happened…but it didn't and he just couldn't keep going there. Once again he felt lost as to where he should be and what he should do. Roy was with Joanne now and that was what she needed more than anything. He put his hands on the steering wheel, "I have to go. Tell Roy…"

She hurt so much for him, "Johnny, don't leave. Roy needs you to get through this even if he doesn't realize it yet." She reached up and brushed the dark locks from his face. "Besides, I promised Kel to get you into a room to be checked out."

"Why is everyone worried about me? I'm not the one fighting for my life in the ICU right now."

She took a deep breath knowing that he might still drive away. "You're not the man I thought you were if you leave."

He lowered his head with the resignation that Dixie knew he had no intentions of leaving but only trying to make him come with her. "I'm not leaving Dix. I just needed some time alone."

"Then come back inside with me," she took his arm and gently tugged on it.

Tears ran down his face. "I never wanted anything bad to happen to her Dix."

Her own eyes welled up, "Roy knows that too in his heart."

He nodded but deep down he didn't believe it. It was just simpler to agree with her right now and save the continued onslaught of encouraging words that just seemed hollow to his heart. "I'll be there in a few minutes. I just need a minute."

"Okay. I'll be waiting on you mister," she said with a smile. But the faint smile he returned only made her sadder. He was hurting more than any of them had realized and then what Roy did, blaming him, just dug those claws of guilt in deeper and deeper.

***************************************

Dixie didn't want to leave him sitting there but she forcefully made her way back into the ER and sat down at the nurse's station desk, her mind lost in thought. Then the business of the department drew her away as other patients and families needed her attentions.

Once thing settled down she found her way back to the desk, plopped down, and took a deep breath. Looking up she saw Vince coming back down the hallway.

"Have you seen Johnny?" He asked in his normal serious sounding tone.

"Yea, he was outside by his truck. He'll be back in a few minutes. Everything alright?"

Vince tucked his little notebook and pen back into his pocket. "Yea, just a few more questions so I can wrap this end up. Did he check out okay?"

Dixie looked a little taken aback as Brackett walked up to the desk. He now had her full attention, "We haven't checked him out why?" Kel was also all ears at the turn in the conversation.

"Well he just said that he fought off the attacker and he looked really shaken up back at his place," Vince said.

Brackett just raised his eyebrows, "Well I should think so after going through that but he said he wasn't hurt."

Vince nodded his head, "So he says."

Now they were both confused, "What does that mean?" Dixie asked.

"Maybe nothing. But he was really shaken up."

"You know Dwyer did mention his concern when he brought Joanne in," Dixie said with a rising concern in her heart. With a sudden dread they all remembered the Johnny they knew. The one that downplayed injuries. The one that would put everyone else first.

Vince agreed, "He actually told Johnny to ride with them to the hospital but Johnny refused."

Brackett looked up to see Hank coming down the hallway, "Hank, everything alright?"

The man stopped at the desk after hearing the last part of the conversation. "Yea, I was just looking for Johnny to check on him."

Dixie stood up from her chair, "Last time I saw him he was out by his truck." She turned to Kel, "I think we better find him."


	8. Chapter 8

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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"_Heaven hath no fury; like a love to hatred turned." William Congreve. _

_********************************************_

Chapter 8

Johnny watched Dixie enter the building then cranked up his Rover and pulled out of the ER parking lot. Swinging around he found a place in the front of the hospital so it wouldn't get towed. Last problem he needed today was bailing out his vehicle. Despite his aching bones he made his way through the lobby and into the elevator hoping that no one would accidentally bump into his crappy feeling body. After he checked on Joanne he would go back to his apartment and take a long hot shower for his sore muscles that were now beginning to really protest. His ribs hurt, stomach hurt and now his head hurt from hitting the wall in the ER. When the doors opened the first person he saw was Hank's wife Emily and was instantly grateful that they were here for Roy and Joanne.

Poor Johnny, she thought to herself, he really showed how hard this had been on him. She walked up to greet him, "Johnny."

"Emily, it's good to see you." He replied back as he reached out to take her hand. Her hand was warm in his as he appreciated a welcoming face more than she would ever know.

She watched him closely as he sat down beside her, "How are you doing Johnny? I know this has been terrible for you too."

"I'm okay, it just seems so... unreal. Have you heard anything yet?" It just seemed to quiet to him, un-nerving.

"Nothing since they moved her upstairs. Can I grab you some coffee?" He looked like he could use a pick me up.

"No, thanks though." He just wanted to make sure Joanne was alright then get back home.

The two heard the doors of the ICU swing open, looked up, and watched Joe Early approach them. Emily stood up but Johnny stayed seated.

"Doc, how's she doing?" She asked.

Joe smiled, "The CT showed only a tiny fracture of her skull which is good. We've also been able to take her off the ventilator and her vitals have stabilized after giving her a blood transfusion."

Johnny didn't know what to say. The news was almost too good to be true as he pictured how bad she had looked. Emily asked the question he had been afraid to ask. "So she's going to make it through this?"

The doctor patted her arm and looked at Johnny, "She's strong. I think she will pull out of this just fine. We still have to watch her closely but so far she's responded well. Roy's in there with her now and she's sleeping quietly."

Johnny shook his hand, "Thanks doc."

Joe looked down at Johnny knowing what the man had been through in the ER, "Johnny, she's doing well. Don't give up on her yet."

Johnny let the corners of his lips turn up for a small smile, "Never doc. Thanks."

Early moved down the hallway, as he headed down to the next nurse's station to check on other patients. Almost immediately the ICU doors opened again and this time it was Roy coming out of them. He looked up to see Johnny now standing beside Emily and that overwhelming anger took hold of him instantly and thoroughly as surely as an out of control power source. He walked right over to Johnny and shoved a finger in his face.

"She's lying the in the ICU and all she seems to be worried about is you!" He yelled at him.

Johnny took several steps backwards lowering his head and shoulders in response to the admonishment. Emily was almost a little afraid of the anger in Roy's voice but saw the reaction of Johnny, "Roy, please don't."

But Roy didn't hear her.

Johnny didn't even try to defend himself, "I'm sorry Roy. Please tell her I'm so sorry."

Those words again. His brain couldn't even think about anything but her in the ICU and those words, he was sorry so he must have done something to be sorry for. It was like he couldn't even see the face in front of him anymore. It was simply someone who had turned his life into a living nightmare. Without even thinking about it his hands slammed into the chest in front of him.

At any other time or place it wouldn't have of even affected Johnny in the least but his body was weakened and the emotional impact on his heart was a hundred times more than those hands on his chest. Stumbling backwards he reached out for something to break his fall but his downward momentum was more than he could slow. He landed on his rear end and cried out with the sudden abrupt stop. Emily felt panicked and didn't know what to do as she looked between the two men.

Roy looked down and for a fraction of a second and wondered why Johnny was on the floor. Then he saw the look on his face. He could focus on his face now but the sadness in those brown eyes made him catch his breath. Johnny?

All he knew was that he had to get out of there, away from Roy, away from everyone. He grabbed the chair beside him and pulled himself up with an audible groan that sent an alarm through Emily who had no medical training. She reached out to him but he pushed her away, gently but with a resolution that he didn't want anyone near him. Finding a final strength he looked into his friend's eyes and he said a silent goodbye knowing that Joanne would be alright now, her husband was at her side and obviously he was no longer wanted. Pulling himself up straight he walked to the elevator and pushed the button. Without looking back he stepped onto it and turned around.

Roy took a step forward with a fear that he couldn't explain. As he watched the doors close between him and the man he called his brother he saw the life that was behind the brown eyes also close. Now, Roy and Emily just stood there, neither one knowing what to do or what to say. Her emotions were all fear. Fear of Roy's reaction and fear for Johnny's safety.

The doors opened up on the elevator and they both looked up to see Hank, Brackett and Dixie step off of it. Hank was immediately tuned into the fact that something had happened by the tears running down his wife's face. His first thought was of Joanne. "What happened?"

Emily put herself into his arms, "Johnny was here. Roy …"

Hank gritted his teeth and pulled her back, "Roy what?"

"Roy hit him. The look on Johnny's face, oh Hank," she sobbed in his arms.

Hank glared at Roy and saw the man's face flash from blank to anger in a second. "What exactly happened Roy?" His own voice was now in full command mode which caught everyone standing there off guard, sending them into their own state of silence.

But Roy realized he didn't have an answer. There was nothing he could say to explain what had happened. Hank saw the confusion on his face and figured that he wan't going to get a straight answer, "Where did he go?"

"I don't know," Roy's voice was edgy, still unsure of how he felt. But he knew he was numb and cold now and no longer sure what to do so he turned to the ICU doors.

But Hank was hot on his trail and grabbed his arm before he got into Joanne's room, "Roy? What the hell was that about?"

"I can't right now Hank. I just can't."

Hank's internal alarm went off at the disoriented sound in his voice. Things were going downhill fast here and he had no control what so ever, something he was not use to. He followed Roy into her room and stood by the wall, out of the way, as Roy went into the bathroom and splashed water on his face.

That look in Johnny's eyes haunted him and deep down he knew he was the cause of it. It was a look that said he had lost everything; that he had just given up. Any other time that would have cued in his natural instinct to respond to his friends need but behind those heartbroken eyes he could only see his wife's broken body and what he felt for Johnny would be gone again.

"Roy?" She mumbled out.

He was right by her side and saw that Hank, Dixie, Emily and Brackett were all with him now. "I'm right here honey, it's all right."

"John…ny?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep sigh breath, "Please don't worry about Johnny, he's fine."

Emily wanted to say something but held her tongue. Johnny was far from fine. She had also seen the reaction and the terrible look in Johnny's eyes. She turned her eyes to look at Hank but he was intently watching Roy with much mixed emotions of his own.

Joanne was so frustrated. Her body was betraying her and not letting her get the words out. "Bat."

They looked confused at her. "Bat?" Roy repeated not understanding what this meant.

Brackett had talked to Vince at length about what happened, "Roy, Vince said there was a bat in the bedroom where she was attacked."

Roy's first reaction was mixed with fear and rage. He used a bat on her, that's what caused all this damage? It was amazing he hadn't truly killed her. Suddenly he didn't know how much more he could take of this. She nodded her head slightly again as her hands reached for him. What was she trying to tell them? He looked up and saw Dixie move right beside her and lean close beside her.

She spoke softly, "Jo, you're safe now. We are all here with you. Are you worried about Johnny?"

A flash of resentment went over his features as he looked at Dixie. She chose to ignore him as Joanne again nodded her head. Roy saw it and his heart began beating faster. Dixie kept talking, "Jo? Did Johnny get hurt?"

Her eyes looked to her husband pleading with him to understand, "Bat." Her breath quickened. Why didn't they know where Johnny was? She was asking and they acted like they had no idea he was even hurt. She could still hear the impact of the bat against him and him falling to the ground.

Roy could see that she was getting more upset. "This is enough. Leave her alone." Again he was mad. Hadn't she been through enough? But it was her hand that squeezed his with a strength that grabbed back his attention. "What honey?"

She focused intently on her words knowing that she had to make them understand.

"Saved…me," she pleaded with him.

The room was beginning to spin as he looked at her eyes. Eyes that told him she was scared to death for Johnny.

What had happened in that apartment?

"Bat." She tried again. God, why didn't they understand?

Roy hated that word now. Why did she keep saying it? Was she still afraid of the bat? "There's no bat now Jo."

"Johnny." Her voice was getting so tired as a tear ran down her cheek. "Bad."

He looked up at the others hoping they were understanding more than he was. He was clearly not getting it and she seemed so frustrated with him.

Emily came up to her. She remembered the sound of pain in Johnny's voice when he fell, "Jo, did the man hurt you with the bat?"

She shook her head, "No…Johnny."

With an instant dread they all understood, all of them. Roy got back close to her, "He hit Johnny with the bat?"

She nodded and another tear rand down her cheek, "Bad…saved…me…save…him."


	9. Chapter 9

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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"The guilty one is not he who commits the sin, but the one who causes the darkness." Victor Hugo.

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_You guys have been great. Thank you so much. I love hearing from you so keep it up. Once again this story has taken on a life of its own. Hold on for the ride._

_********************************************_

Chapter 9

Joanne drifted off to sleep with exhaustion and a final hope that they understood her. They all stepped out into the hallway, now in a state of shock by what they had found out.

Brackett spoke first, "Johnny said he didn't get hurt in the attack."

"I can't believe I let him talk me out of it," Dixie said under her breath.

"What?" Roy asked a little taken back by her intense concern.

"I found him outside in his Rover and I knew he looked bad," she looked over to Kel. "Oh Kel, he was pale and diaphoretic. I just thought it was emotional shock, what if it wasn't?"

Roy ran his fingers through his hair trying to pull it together since he was really fighting the primal urge to scream and punch a hole in the wall. "Why didn't he tell us?"

Hank cocked his head, "We'll he didn't have the most inviting atmosphere to encourage bringing attention to himself now did he?"

The effect was successful as Roy's heart raced in his chest. What had he done? "I have to find him."

Hank moved to his side and placed his hand on his shoulder, "We'll find him Roy."

************************************

Johnny sat down in the lobby taking a moment to decide what he was going to do next. His primary concern had been Joanne and knowing that she was doing better he decided it would be best to go home, take a shower and get a nap. Roy's words had stabbed at his heart but it was the look on his face, the look of complete and utter blame that did it. There was no way that Roy was going to forgive him for this. Somehow he would have to come to grips with the fact that he didn't have a family anymore but the worst part would be finding a new partner for work. It was something that he just couldn't face right now. He just felt too bad.

He leaned forward and put his head in his hands feeling completely wrung out. Move, his brain told him. The longer he sat the worst he felt. He knew he had to get up and going again. Years at the stationhouse had taught him to get a hot shower and some rest to recover from a hard night. And this qualified as a 'night' from hell. His brain almost told him to go by Roy's and avoid the scene in his place but he knew that would never happen again. Sooner or later he would have to face his place again, clean up the…stuff. No matter how long he put it off it would still be there waiting for him.

Looking up at the giant clock in the lobby he decided it was time to get going. As he pushed his body forward he almost fell, reaching out he quickly grabbed the arm of the closest chair to him. His breath quickened with the whole body aching he was feeling now, even up to his shoulders. Closing his eyes for a second to stop the spinning he took a couple of deep breaths which only gave his body something else to complain about.

ER, he thought. Maybe I should go by before I leave. The Rover was closer. No, hot shower, nap. He promised himself if that didn't work then he would be back. It saddened him again to think that Roy wouldn't be the one he would call for help if needed. Mike or Chet, they would help him.

Opening his eyes back up he decided it was safe for him to go out now. Feeling steadier on his feet he headed out the door without looking back.

******************************************

"He would go home right?" Hank asked. "Roy?"

Roy didn't hear him; he was too busy hyperventilating as the flood of memories came back to him, what he'd done.

Hank took him by the shoulders and shook him, "ROY!"

His eyes focused on his Captain which allowed him to try and pull it together, "Yes, he'd go home."

Without even looking at the others he turned and ran to the elevator but pushing the button wasn't making it move fast enough. He turned when he felt the hand on his shoulder. "I'll go with you," Hank said.

Roy just nodded, yes. He was in no shape to even drive at this point. Looking back he saw Dixie and Brackett telling Emily to stay with Joanne and they would call the police to help find Johnny.

The police? The sentence, could this get any worse, just kept getting worse. He stepped onto the elevator, followed by Hank then Brackett. "I'm coming too, just stop by the ER so I can get my bag in case we need it," he told Roy.

Roy paced in front of the ER bay doors while he waited. Hank was on the phone quickly calling Mike to spread the word that something had even happened to Joanne, much less Johnny. He knew they might need help before this was over. Brackett came rushing down the hall towards them, "Ready."

They headed to Hank's car which was still in the ER parking lot and began the drive to Johnny's place.

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Pulling into the parking lot Roy scanned it with his eyes and immediately realized that Johnny's Rover wasn't there. "Damn." He was instantly flustered and scared. If he wasn't here then there was no telling where he would have gone.

Hank easily read the senior medic, "Let's check his place. Maybe he took his camping gear."

Great, Roy thought, thats all they needed. Him out in the woods somewhere, they'd never find him and something told him that they were running out of time.

Filing out of the truck they stood at the bottom of the stairs with Roy in front. Kel and Hank were letting him take the lead and right now he seemed to be frozen in place.

"Roy?" Hank said.

He didn't answer but started moving up the stairs then proceeded to stand in front of his door. Reaching into his pocket he dug out his keychain and fumbled through the keys to find the one to Johnny's door. Hank had actually wondered for a minute how they would get inside but watching Roy pull out a key he knew he shouldn't have been surprised in the least. His hands were shaking as he put the key in the door and unlocked it. Pushing it open they stepped inside. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. There was a vacuum cleaner in the living room, some flowers on the kitchen table but all was quiet. "Johnny?" Roy called out, almost afraid to move.

Hank moved in front of him and went to look around in the kitchen, nothing. Roy felt a need to see down the hall and started walking down the path to the bedrooms.

"God," Hank exclaimed at the blood streaking down the walls, handprints visible in an eerie pattern that seemed to reveal the desperate trail of escape from the bedroom. Hank looked at Roy. He was pasty pale now. "Roy, I don't think you should do this."

"I think I need to," he said as he kept walking now. The blood trail led to the bedroom. He stood just outside it and hesitated. His heart was pounding out of his chest, his breaths quick and forced. Pushing his palms against pants legs he forced the sweat off of them.

This was where it happened.

He walked around the doorframe. The room had been left pretty much untouched by the police and investigators. The bed was rumpled all up, a pillow in the floor, and the bedspread pulled almost completely off at the end of the bed. The phone was lying on the side, off the hook, both parts streaked with blood. The phone cord had been ripped from the base of the phone, lying all twisted up. Then there was the floor.

His eyes immediately found the blood stain on the floor and his knees felt weak, his peripheral vision became grey and blurry. He could hear her screams in his mind; see her fighting for her life. The bat. Johnny trying to save her. He felt Hank and Kel grab his arms to keep him from falling.

"Get him out of here," Kel said. Together they guided him back down the hall and lowered him to the couch. "Roy, can you hear me?"

"Roy?"

The blood, it was hers. There was so much blood. "Breath Roy," the voices near him said. The details of the assault were filtering through his mind as he pictured it happening to them. Yes, them. Somewhere down deep he realized that Johnny had been a victim too. Save him, Joanne had told him. As the fog cleared from his head he looked at the two men with him, now feeling Kel's fingers on his wrist checking his pulse. "I'm okay," he said shakily.

Hank grinned, "Thought we were gonna lose you there for a minute." Then he got more serious, "You okay?"

"Yea, feeling more like myself." He looked at Hank, "In more ways than one."

Hank grinned bigger this time, "Good. Now let's find Johnny."

"Where do we look next?" Kel asked.

Roy stood up and went to the kitchen and picked up the phone, "We need help." Picking up the phone he dialed Mike, Chet and Marco to help them out. Thinking of the most common places Johnny might have gone he sent them each in a direction. They agreed to meet back at Rampart as soon as possible.

Hank just sat back and watched Roy at work. The Roy he knew. The Roy that would do everything possible and probably impossible to save his best friends life.

"Now what?" Kel asked after the phone calls and Roy rejoined them in the living room.

He shook his head trying to not get discouraged, "We go back to Rampart and wait to hear from the others. After that I just don't know. Hopefully he will try and contact someone." That last thought saddened him knowing that it wouldn't be him that Johnny would call for help. He had made sure of that.


	10. Chapter 10

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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"We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love." Madame de Stael

_********************************************_

Chapter 10

Johnny had to hold onto the cars as he walked between them, his legs felt like they were moving through molasses itself. His head was pounding now to the point that he was once again nauseated beyond belief. There was only one goal in his mind at this point, make it to the Rover. Between resting in the lobby for a while and his incredibly slow effort to get back out the truck it had taken what felt like a lifetime. Finally reaching it he patted his pockets for the keys. Finding them he pulled them out, his fingers feeling like they were somehow not attached to him anymore, just these things that were doing a task for him but no longer his own.

He kept looking at them and wondered why he couldn't figure out which one to use. These were his keys that he was sure of but they all looked the same. No they were all the same. His brain was trying to separate them but they kept blending together. Yes, this one, he thought as he put it in the keyhole, or beside it. Problem was that now there was more than one keyhole, the confusion making his head spin just a little more. Or maybe the head spinning was making everything multiple before his eyes. Something he decided he would have to figure out later. Right now he just had to sit down, and quick. Finally it worked just as he was about to sit down right there beside the door.

This would not work at all. He knew something was wrong but couldn't focus enough to think what it was. His abdomen was killing him, radiating up to his shoulder making him reflexively reach up to rub it. He didn't remember hurting his shoulder. He sat in the driver's seat, put the key in the ignition but knew enough that he couldn't drive until his head cleared some. He slapped the glove box and managed to get it open and grabbed the bottle of aspirin again. It was empty. More at home, he thought. He leaned back against the seat and thought about what he would do. How was he supposed to get home now? He'd managed to hold it together until that last fall, now things were going south quickly.

He grimaced with the pain that seemed to be non-stop now, allowing for no break or period of grace for the weary and suddenly he knew he was in trouble. Looking across the parking lot towards the ER he saw a figure, in the distance that seemed to be looking at him. But that wasn't possible because they were much too far away to see him in the dimness of the shadows. And this shadow? It wouldn't look for him. Not anymore.

His mind refocused on the ER as he tried to gauge the distance. Could he make it? Maybe drive? No, the parking lot had people walking in it, children. He couldn't risk hitting someone. Just a few minutes of rest and he would start making his way to the ER doors. Enough was enough and he knew that he couldn't take this anymore. Lowering his head on the steering wheel he closed his eyes for just a few minutes of desperately needed rest, then he would go.

*********************************

Hank parked in the ER parking lot again. Each man lost in his own world of thoughts, wondering where Johnny was, if he was alright, and how could they find him. Brackett headed straight into the ER to get back to work thus distracting himself from his worry while Hank locked up. He walked up to Roy who had stopped in the road and was looking off into the distance of the vast hospital parking area.

"Something wrong Roy?" He asked as he tried to figure out what he was so intently focused on.

Roy shook his head, "No, just thinking." Reluctantly he moved towards the ER again.

*********************************

Dixie moved around Roy, once again, who was leaning on the desk. She knew the poor man was fraught with worry but she was about to physically transplant him herself. "Roy, why don't you go check in on Joanne while you wait," she said with a sense of HINT, HINT.

"I did, she's sleeping. They gave her something for pain and she's out."

Dixie sighed then smiled as she watched Mike and Chet come down the hallway. Please, she thought, let them have good news. Roy was up in a heartbeat, "Fellows? Anything?"

They both shook their heads. "We both checked, nothing." The worry was loud and clear in Chet's voice and Mike's silence and worried eyes spoke volumes to those who knew him.

Hank stepped off the elevator and joined them. "Emily has gone to pick up the kids. She'll keep them for the rest of the day and get them some dinner Roy."

"Thanks Hank."

Marco was right behind Hank, also shaking his head no. Roy was perplexed as they moved to the doctor's lounge. "Where is he?"

"Is there anywhere else Roy? Anywhere at all he might go if he was upset?" Marco asked.

He just shook his head, "He's hurt so he wouldn't take off camping or anything like that." He paced the little room. "He left here and went where?"

"How do you know he left?" Mike asked.

It was a simple question. Almost too simple and for whatever reason it rocked Roy to the core. Could it be that easy? The others saw the look on his face and stood up.

********************************

Vince once again walked down the hall of the ER, still wanting to make sure Johnny was alright. "Mrs. McCall," he said to Dixie.

"Hi Vince," she said softly.

"So Johnny was okay?" He asked.

She looked up, "We can't find him anywhere." The distress in her voice catching the attention of the officer, confusing him.

"I thought you said in was at his truck?"

She nodded, "He was but he left and we don't know where he went. Roy even tried his apartment with no luck."

"No he didn't," Vince said and watched her freeze.

"What do you mean?" She looked up to see Roy standing behind Vince, also frozen in place.

Vince turned to see the look of alarmed anticipation on Roy's face almost afraid to speak now. "I mean he's still here."

Roy was almost breathless, "Where?"

He was now picking up the complete and utter panic that was surrounding him by the firemen. Turning towards the ER doors, "I saw him pull his Rover from this parking lot over to the front one earlier."

Roy turned to Dixie, "He never made it out of the parking lot. We need Brackett."

Dixie was off and running into treatment four but Roy and Hank, followed by the others, were already tearing down the hallway and out the ER bay doors. They reached the edge of the huge parking area which included a four story parking deck. Without an immediate visual on him Roy turned to Hank with a pleading look for help. He didn't know where to start.

Hank turned to the others, "Marco, take the 4th level. Chet, 3rd. Mike 2nd. Roy and I will cover the ground lot then move up to the first. If you find him call for this side."

Vince pulled up beside them, "I'll start up top with Lopez." Marco jumped in the cruiser and Roy watched them pull away.

With an as sundry of 'aye Caps' the men ran off towards the stairs and the endless line of parked and abandoned cars. Hank and Roy started on the lower lot, jogging down them searching for any sign of Johnny and the white truck. One time Roy saw a white top and ran to it only to find out it was a van instead. His disappointment only seemed to fuel his fire to keep going.

Vince and Marco didn't find anything on the top and moved down to the next row, picking up the others on the way. Roy quickly moved to the stairs to the first deck and rounded the corner. Hank was hot on his heels so when Roy came to a dead stop Hank ran right into him.

"What?" Hank said but he followed the man's eyes to a white Rover.

The driver's door was open.

Roy's heart was in his throat as he hit a full run to reach it.

He found Johnny in the driver's seat slumped over the steering wheel, unconscious. He called out to him, "Johnny?" but got no response. Saying a silent prayer he reached to his neck for a pulse.

"Roy?" Hank said softly behind him.

Roy turned to him, "I need Brackett now."

Hanks long legs quickly reached the edge and called down to the others, including Brackett and Dixie who now waited below. When he got back to Roy had pushed him back off the steering wheel and was doing a rapid assessment on him.

"Is he …" Hank fought to find the words. Please let him be alive.

Roy looked back at him, "His pulse is weak, thready, barely there." He placed his hands on the young man's chest. "Damn it Johnny, come on." Once again looking back to Hank, "Help me get him out of here. He's not breathing."

Down below Brackett and Dixie heard Hanks almost pleading call for help that they had found him. The look on the Captains face was enough to send a chill straight through Dixie. She had a bad feeling about this. They both took off to find the stairs and got up to the first level just as Vince pulled up and the others all piled out. They all stood around as they watched Roy on the ground with Johnny, doing mouth to mouth rescue breathing. Dixie had a grab bag of supplies with her and pulled out an ambubag and gave it to Roy.

Brackett knelt down next to him and quickly put his stethoscope in his ears to listen to his chest and lungs. Roy watched him frown.

"Roy, what was his pulse when you checked?" Brackett asked cautiously.

"Around 50, thready." In between breaths he looked into Brackett's eyes, "Doc?"

The doctor moved quickly, "Dixie get us an ambulance now to move him. Bring me an ambu bag and a drug box." He looked deeply into her eyes, "Hurry."

With a catch in her breath she jumped up but Vince stopped her, "Get in."

Brackett then proceeded to rip his shirt open by force, popping off the buttons, opening it up for all to see. Roy stopped the ventilations as he struggled to catch his own breath, "Johnny." It was just a whisper but everyone heard the sadness in his voice.

The darkened, deeply bruised area along his right chest wall and abdomen was ominous. He gently palpated the area and made a low noise from his throat. "We've got to move him now."

Marco took over ventilations for Roy who then stood up. Vince was gone with Dixie and they all knew that the precious minutes it would take for help to arrive were minutes that Johnny didn't have. "Mike, are the keys in his ignition?"

Mike leaned in to check, "Yea, they are."

Roy caught Hank's eyes and he conveyed what he wanted to do, "Then we move him now."

Kel put his hand on Roy's arm, "Roy, we don't what all his injuries are."

Roy knew what he had already endured, mostly at his own hands. "He's been moving around for hours now, once more won't matter."

Hank agreed and grabbed him from under the arms while Chet grabbed his legs. They slid him into the back seat with Brackett and Roy with him. Hank drove while the others climbed in the back and front seat.

Roy continued the breaths while Kel listened one more time, trying to hear that precious heart beat.

His voice was strained, "Hank move it, we're out of time."

AN: I know, I know, evil cliffy.......sorry. I will start as soon as possible on Chapter 11. I promise.


	11. Chapter 11

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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"I know that God will give me nothing that I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa.

_********************************************_

_I'm so sorry this took this long. Life complications, you know how that goes. So here's your Johnny update. I will have the next chapter ready for late tonight or tomorrow for you. Your thoughts have been awesome so please keep letting me know what you think. It makes all the difference!_

Chapter 11

As soon as they reached the ER bay doors there was a stretcher waiting on them. Dixie had seen them driving up and had everything ready to go. They pulled him out of the truck and straight to the stretcher and quickly got him into the surgical treatment room. Joe Early was right there waiting and efficiently placed an endotrachael tube into his airway then turned it over to the respiratory therapist to manage his ventilator. The monitor alarmed showing his drop in heart rate. Roy found himself backing up until he felt the cold wall behind him and just stared as they hurried around his friend, starting IV's, making urgent phone calls, obtaining x-rays.

He had done this to his best friend, the man he called his brother. Johnny had avoided getting help because of him.

Brackett was boardering on cussing at the young man lying unconscious on the table, his orders for medications, plasmanate and blood ringing in Roy's ears. Then Roy stepped forward, to the head of the bed and looked at the drawn features of his friend. The only image in his mind was the look in Johnny's eyes before he left. He knew those brown eyes had pleaded with him for forgiveness and he only managed to shut him out and push him away.

The beeping on the monitor struggled to show a heart rate that was barely acceptable, his pressure so low it was unreadable. He felt Brackett's hand on his shoulder, "Roy?"

He looked up, "Yea, doc?"

"Get the mast trousers on him now. If we don't get his pressure up he won't make it to the OR." The look in his eyes screamed to Roy that they were running out of options to stabilize him. He took the inflatable pants from Morton and began they mechanical process of applying them and inflating them.

He then stood back and watched as Dixie repeated vital signs constantly. Roy silently counted the complexes on the monitor knowing that how precious each beep was and silently craving and pleading for more of them. "Come on Johnny," he whispered to himself. Dixie ran her fingers through his dark curly locks and spoke her own soft ministrations in his ear as she worked. The room vibrated with a hum of anticipation, of hope. Of expecting Johnny to sit up and complain that they were all overreacting. But the gradual rise in the beeps on the monitor was enough for Roy. Dixie reported his pressure was up some. It wasn't great but it was at least more compatible with life. Quickly things changed gears and they were rushing Roy out of the room and into the cold lonely hallway as he could see the blue drapes flying. He looked down to the waiting room and saw his shift mates. Their own apprehension and dread reflected in their eyes and faces. He knew he had to face them, face what he had done to someone that was important to all of them.

Hank walked up to him, "Is he?" He realized that he didn't know what to ask. Roy's look told them that they may have lost Johnny but he wasn't sure.

Roy shook his head, "They're starting the surgery now." Once again he felt weak and looked back up to see Mike and Hank flanking him, guiding him to the chairs. "I did this."

But Hank wasn't going to let Roy go down with the ship that easily. "Roy, he knew he was hurt. It was his responsibility to get help."

His eyes met his Captains, "But the atmosphere didn't welcome that did it?"

He grimaced inside at his harsh words earlier, "No you didn't but he's an adult Roy and you are not held accountable for his choices. We all should have seen that he needed help sooner. He was right here in front of all of us."

Then he thought of Joanne. What was he going to tell her? Even in her own pain and anguish her concern had laid with him. Would she ever forgive him for his actions? She begged him to save Johnny. What if he now had to tell her that he had failed, failed her and failed Johnny?

Mike brought him some coffee and he held it in his hands, almost wanting the pain from the heat in his hands. They exchanged glances around him, concerned never having seen him so despondent. After a little while Hank decided they greatly needed some quiet and moved Roy to the doctor's lounge to have some privacy. There they waited with him, mostly in quiet but with occasional words of encouragement, of hope but nothing would placate the blue eyed man. Only seeing Johnny again would do that and they knew it was something that they would have to heal between themselves. They only prayed that they would get that chance.

Dixie came and in everyone held their breath as she moved to Roy. She was deeply concerned about him, now more than ever. Kneeling down beside him she began talking with a soothing voice, "Roy, his vitals are stable now. The blood transfusions are working and they've managed to stop the internal bleeding." She knew that she couldn't tell him it wasn't bad, that it would all be fine. The blood loss was great and he still might not pull through this but she had to bring this man back to the land of the living.

"Roy DeSoto!"

Her change in voice startled the other men but it worked and he looked at her. "You had better not give up on Johnny. Do you hear me? He's alive Roy and he's fighting. Are you going to walk away and not help him fight?"

His voice was just a whisper, "No."

She stood up and looked at the others, "They should be finished soon and Kel will come out and update you."

For another hour they waited in quiet. It was the hardest wait they had ever had but they kept up the hope for their friend and crewmate. Marco recited prayers, his rosary in his hands while Chet and Mike stayed near Roy for support. Everyone looked up with the door opened and Joe and Kel came into the room.

Roy saw them but he also saw the look on their faces. The two men faced the room full of men with trepidation in their hearts and with many eyes locked on them full of hope and worry. Brackett pulled off his surgical cap, twisting it in his hands. "He made it through the surgery but he's lost a lot of blood. We're replacing it as fast as we can and moving him up to the ICU in just a little bit."

They all felt the silent 'but'…

He shook his head, "I think you need to know that his chances of making it through the night are low. Best we can gather he took a hard blow to the chest and abdomen during the attack. I just don't understand why he ignored the injury for so long."

Roy knew the answer and it did nothing short of ripping him apart inside, "Because of me." The men all looked at him; the only one knowing what happened was Hank.

"Roy, you didn't know that he was hurt," Hank said.

"No, but it was my fault that he left," Roy said as he headed to the door. Looking at Kel, "Can I see him?"

He only understood a little of what had happened, the tension between the friends in the ER earlier, "For just a few minutes before we move him upstairs."

Without looking back at his friends he left the lounge, unable to face them right now. First he had to see Johnny and set things right.

*******************************

Entering the surgical trauma room he saw Carole fiddling with his IV's and the respiratory therapist adjusting his ventilator. His heart sank as he looked at him, so pale he didn't even seem alive. Roy stepped beside him and put his hand on his shoulder.

"Johnny, I don't know if you can hear me right now but I'm sorry for what I did to you. After what happened to Joanne I just couldn't think straight. I fell apart." His voice got even softer, "I don't know if you can forgive me but you have to fight back from this. I know you can do it, please Johnny. Jo and I need you."

He looked up to see Dixie at his side, her hand on his arm, "Time to move him upstairs Roy."

He just nodded.

"Joanne's asking for you."

For a moment his heart lifted to hear that she was doing better and he felt an incredible need to be with her again. "Thanks Dix. When can I see Johnny again?"

"I'll come and get you later on," she said softly.

"Okay." With one last squeeze of Johnny's shoulder, Roy let go and left the room. He wondered for a moment as to where the other guys would go but couldn't bring himself to look for them. Then he would have to face them and what he had done all over again. Right now, he had to see Joanne and somehow tell her about Johnny.

***********************************

He opened the door and found Joanne sitting up a little in the bed and could immediately see the anxiety in her battered eyes, "Johnny?"

"He's here Jo. Brackett is taking care of him, don't worry." He knew she needed to rest and right now she couldn't handle hearing all the details. Johnny was like a little brother to her and her worry and love for him ran deep.

She took his hand as he sat on the bed with her, "Thank you for saving him."

The tears welled up in his eyes. He couldn't help it. He knew he didn't save him. It was him that almost let Johnny die, running him off and placing so much guilt on the young man that he didn't even care about what happened to himself. Roy knew the heart of his friend and what his anger had done to him.

"Roy?" She said with fear in her voice. Taking her hand she wiped the tears from his face, "Bad?"

All he could do was nod.

***********************************

Dixie stayed with Johnny as they moved him from the stretcher to the bed, hooked him up to the monitors, and made sure his blood infusion was uninterrupted. She gently ran the back of her fingers along his pale cheek. "Johnny? Can you open your eyes for me?"

Slowly his eyes half opened. He could hear her talking to him but through the pain medicine she just seemed like a dream. The pain was finally gone and he felt mostly numb all over now. He could take in just enough to realize that he was no longer in his truck but didn't remember making it to the ER either.

"Johnny, its Dixie. Can you hear me?"

Dixie? What was Dixie doing here? He couldn't move and he could feel the tube in his throat cutting off his ability to make a noise, even swallowing seemed impossible.

She rubbed his cheek, "You're in the ICU and we're taking good care of you."

He blinked. ICU? Joanne was here. Joanne. The memories flooded back, even through the drug induced fog it was more than he could handle. Too tired, too much and he let the darkness fill him again.

Looking up at all the machines around him she swallowed back down the fear that seemed to want her stomach to twist into knots. Pulse, blood pressure, everything was so tenuous, so fragile right now. She knew that if he had been hurt from a work accident he would fight like hell but after what happened to Joanne then what happened between him and Roy she didn't know. Would he even try? The knowledge that when he left knowing something was wrong, that he was hurt sent a cold fear through her. If he was going to just walk away then, why would he care to come back to them now?


	12. Chapter 12

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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"A dream has the power to poison our peaceful sleep." Percy Shelley.

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_Love those reviews! Keep um coming as we near the end..._

Chapter 12

Hank, Mike, Marco, and Chet took turns pacing the waiting room, drinking coffee and quietly discussing the events of the last twelve hours. It had been a whirlwind of a day for everyone involved. Hank was concerned to the point of getting an ulcer over Johnny and Roy, but for different reasons. Johnny might not make it through the night which was bad enough for any of them to endure but if he died Hank knew that Roy would crumble. He had seen it in his eyes in the lounge while they waited.

"I'm going to check on Roy and Joanne. I'll be right back," he quietly told Mike. They all wanted to know that Joanne was alright but each knew she and Roy needed some privacy and time alone.

Hank knocked on the door and after hearing the 'come in' he gingerly pushed it open. He remembered seeing her before and once again this time he kept his face only shadowed with gentle concern. It was hard to believe that anyone could be so cruel, so brutal to another human being. He put a soft smile on his face before he entered the room, "Joanne, how are you doing?"

She appreciated his concern and care for them. He had been nothing but a good friend to her family. "Better."

There was strength behind those bruises that told him she was a fighter and she would come back from this full force. But looking at Roy he felt that she might be the only one to come out of this in one piece. "Just wanted to let you know that we are all thinking about you."

She reached out to him and he came closer, taking her hand in his. She glanced over to her husband who had remained in the chair beside her bed. Her eyes spoke of worry to Hank and with understanding he winked at her and gave a subtle nod.

"We're here for both of you okay?"

"Thanks Hank," she replied softly.

She looked tired and worn out so he knew it was time to leave. "Roy?"

The man looked up but not really wanting to talk to his Captain right now. "Cap."

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Hank was very aware that Roy didn't want to do this but he knew that he had to hear some things for his own good.

Roy reluctantly got up and walked out the door, following his Captain. He leaned against the wall outside the door and kept his head down.

"Roy, I know you're upset about Johnny but you didn't know he was hurt. Anger is a normal reaction after a traumatic event."

Roy started to say something.

"Let me finish," Hank said, cutting him off before he could even get started. "Johnny knew he was hurt. You are not responsible for his injuries for him or Joanne. Do you understand that?"

He looked up. How could he explain to this man how he felt when he didn't know himself anymore? So many emotions had gone through him in the last few hours that he felt lost. "I never meant to hurt him."

"I know that Roy but you went after him. Without that he would have died, alone."

"It was Jo that told me to go. I was so mad at him that I couldn't even see he was hurting. I missed it Hank. It was my responsibility to have seen that something was wrong." There, he had said it.

But to his surprise Hank understood. "If that had happened to Emily I would have been ready to kill anyone that I thought had any responsibility over it. It's over now Roy and Johnny needs us to get through this." He knew that Roy was the one to get him out of this hospital and back to work. The bond between these men had saved their lives more than once and he wasn't going to even try and explain it.

Roy just nodded, "Thanks Hank."

*************************************

Every couple of hours Roy would leave his room and go to the other side of the nurse's station to Johnny's room. Although he offered words of encouragement his visits mostly comprised of quiet time with this friend. The IV's would get changed out, his ventilator would be adjusted but there was no response from the young man. Since that brief waking up for Dixie right after surgery he had remained unconscious. Roy's heart was broken knowing that if he was going to come back from the trauma the surgery, and his near death condition he would have shown some sign of improvement by now.

Something.

***********************************

Brackett paced the room, "I don't understand it Joe. His blood count is out of the danger range, there's no new bleeding and he has no fever but I can't keep his pressure up. He's not responding to anyone." He didn't want to say it, not of Johnny anyway. "It's like he's shut down and given up."

Joe looked at the clock in the room, "It's been twenty four hours since surgery. Maybe we missed something?"

"His pressure's too low. There's no way he would survive another trip to the OR right now." Brackett was running out of ideas and it was making him furious.

"I think the answer is down the hall."

They both turned to see Dixie standing in the doorway.

"What are you talking about?" Brackett asked her.

"Think about it Kel. He blames himself for what happened to Joanne."

"He's not responsible for what happened to her, surely he knows that," Joe said.

But they all knew Johnny. His incredible faith and devotion to those he loved often put him in the circumstance for taking on the blame when something went wrong. Whether it was right or not wasn't the point for him.

"I can't move her right now Dix," he said with worry in his voice.

"Why not? He just needs to hear her voice, to know that she's okay." Roy had been by his side even more than his own wife's in the last few hours. She knew that he was doing all he could to pull Johnny back from this but this time it was more than Roy involved.

Brackett face showed his grave concern. "They are running labs on Joanne for me right now. Her pressure has dropped in the last hour."

*****************************

Roy paced the little room. Where was everyone? Why weren't they doing something? Looking back at her she had become so pale, more so every time he looked. Something was very wrong. The door opened and her nurse came back in and went to her side to get another blood pressure on her.

"What's going on? What's wrong with her?" He was on the verge of anger and panic. They had just come and gone, over and over, getting labs, getting vital signs but no one would talk to him about it. Joanne had only complained about being lightheaded then everything seemed to fall apart right before his very eyes.

Brackett came through the door and heard Roy's questions and knew he was on the verge of losing it altogether. "Roy, her pressure is down. I've drawn some labs to see what her blood count is." He moved over to her bed. She was very groggy but would wake up some. "Joanne, can you hear me?"

"Umm, hmmm," she mumbled.

"Can you tell me if this hurts?" He lowered her blanket and raised up her gown just enough to see her abdomen. He gritted his teeth as he saw the shadow of duskiness that had come over her stomach. Taking his hands he gently palpated and watched her grimace with a moan.

Roy watched him doing his exam, her reactions; the look on Brackett's face and knew what it all meant. And it scared him to death. She was bleeding internally. "Doc?"

Kel just nodded, "We have to get her into surgery Roy."

The nurse called out her vital signs, "Doctor her pulse is 130, blood pressure 70/50."

"Get some blood ready for her but let's give her some Plasmanate now." Then looking back up at the shocked face before him, "I need you to sign the consent Roy. We need to move fast."

Roy stood numbly. What else could go wrong? He had been up to see Johnny all morning and once again tried to talk to him in an effort to pull him out of whatever it was that kept him from improving but nothing seemed to be working. And now this?

What would he do if he lost her? If he lost Johnny?

**********************************

Hank watched Dixie leading Roy out of the ICU doors and into the waiting room. She sat him down then moved over to update Hank on Joanne's change in condition and that Roy didn't need to be alone. He was only thankful that he had just returned to the hospital. Mike was still asleep in one of the chairs since he hadn't even had a chance to wake him up yet. All the men under his command were important to him and they were a close knit group but there was something about Roy that touched him deeper. The senior medic was the A-shift glue and everyone knew it. It was him that came to everyone else's aide and to see him so helpless was heart wrenching. He moved over to him and they sat in silence.

After a little while Roy looked up, "I'm going to check on Johnny."

"Do you want me to go with you?" Hank asked.

Roy slowly shook his head, "No, I'll be okay."

Taking a deep breath, Hank watched him disappear behind the double doors.

"I don't think he's doing very well through this Cap," Mike said, almost making Hank jump.

"All we can do is be here for him."

Roy stood beside his partner and friend. There had been no improvement to the much concern of his doctors and nurses. He again repeated the litany of positive words, the reassurances, and the apologies but it hadn't made any difference. Johnny had given up and Roy no longer knew what it would take to bring him back to them.

******************************

Roy slept in the little wooden chair beside Johnny's bed when he was awakened by Dixie's nudge. She knew he was exhausted, emotionally if not physically.

"Jo?" He asked as he cleared the veil of sleep from his mind.

Brackett smiled, "She did very well Roy. There was a small laceration to her liver that was causing the slow bleeding. Her vitals are stable and they are moving her back to her room in about an hour."

Relief that couldn't be described flooded his heart, "She'll be okay?"

The doctor just smiled bigger and clasped him on the shoulder, "Yes, she'll be fine."

"Johnny?"

The news for him was much less heartwarming. "He seems to be losing the battle Roy. " Brackett didn't know what else to say.

Roy hung his head down, "I don't know what else to do. How can I reach him?"

Dixie put her arm around him, "Just don't give up on him Roy. He needs all of us to fight for him. That waiting room is full of hose jockeys waiting to hear about Joanne, go update them."

*********************************

True to their word Joanne was back in her room in about an hour. After updating the crew and smiling at them arguing over who would take the next waiting room duty (because no one wanted to leave that is) he went back to be with his love. He took her hand and kissed it and she opened up her eyes.

"Hey honey," Roy said softly to her.

"Sorry," she whispered.

A tear ran down his face, "Shh, you don't have anything to be sorry about."

She gave him a little smile, "Trouble maker."

"Well, you were always good at getting my attention you know." He bent down and kissed her on the forehead. "Get some rest okay?"

"Johnny?"

His eyes softened, "No change."

She nodded sadly then went right back to sleep.

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_She was screaming and screaming, pleading with him to save her, the blood was everywhere making him nauseous. But as he reached out to her the hallway stretched and put him farther away. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't reach her. He could see her gasping breaths, the pain in her eyes and as the chasm widened between them he knew he was going to lose her._

_"Joanne, I'm so sorry. Please don't die, please." He cried it out over and over but she kept screaming his name. Then another voice was heard. _

_"You left her alone."_

_He looked up to see Roy standing over her, "See what happened? I hope it was a good date Junior for her to give her life for it."_

_"No," he said softly. Then louder, "NO!" She couldn't die because of him. As the distant grew the fading image was of Roy's angry face and Joanne's still body._


	13. Chapter 13

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts." Charles Dickens

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_Thanks to my readers. I just couldn't figure out where to end this chapter without causing another cliffhanger. So to be nice I'm giving you an extra long chapter. This isn't the last one, there will one more to follow but maybe this one will leave you with a smile instead of anguish ; )_

_As always….reviews please : )_

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Chapter 13

It was morning when he woke up still stuffed into the cramped little wooden chair of the ICU having never made it to the more comfortable recliner during the night. Looking over he caught the russling of the sheets indicating that Joanne was awake.

"Morning," he smiled at her and greeted her with a kiss. "How are you feeling?"

"Better but sore."

He knew that getting over the physical injuries was just the beginning for her and they both would face a long road of emotional healing in the days to come. He had heard it over and over as doctors and nurses tried to prepare him for the worst. So if she wanted to smile right now he wasn't going to complain one little bit. "They say you're doing great Jo. You're strong, that's why I love you so much."

Tears began to trickle down her face, "I don't feel very strong."

"You are. I know you are. Don't ever forget that." His heart ached to take that fear and pain from her wanting nothing more than to erase that day from her memories forever.

"I don't know what I did wrong," she whispered through her tears.

His own eyes welled up now, "Oh Jo, you didn't do anything wrong. You were a victim to a cruel and heartless man who didn't care who he hurt. It wasn't your fault, please believe that."

She looked into those beautiful pools of blue and felt warmed by how much he loved her, "I'm trying." Reaching up she wiped the tears from her cheeks. "How's Johnny doing?"

He tried to be motionless so as to not reveal how afraid he was. She could immediately read his eyes, "Roy?" The edge of panic rising in her voice.

"It's like he's given up Jo. Everyday he's a little weaker."

She could tell there was more to it knowing this man before her all too well. "Roy, tell me what's wrong."

He stood up. How could he tell her the terrible things he had done? Then he looked into her eyes and saw that unconditional love that she gave him making it easier for the words to come. "When you got hurt I just went nuts Jo." He started pacing the little room. "I didn't mean to hurt him."

"Roy?" She got his attention. "What did you do?" Worry was now completely replaced with fear.

"I took it out on him. I didn't mean to but he just kept apologizing which made me so angry and I just wanted to blame him for everything that had happened. It was somebody's fault that this happened to you!" He was angry now, the memories flooding back of that first phone call and his first visit with her in the ER. "How Jo? How could this have happened?" It wasn't a question but a demand to some unknown person out there that might have all the answers in life.

"Roy, come here." There was strength in her voice that surprised even her. The fact that Roy was taking this so hard really rattled her. He walked over to the bed and sat down beside her, shaking with anger, ashamed of his own conflicting feelings and concern over what she must think of him now. "You know this isn't his fault right?"

"Of course," he knew it despite his flare of emotions. "But what I did to him."

She took her face into her hands, "Roy DeSoto, listen to me. Johnny is our family and sometimes even families make mistakes. You have to forgive yourself before you can ask him for forgiveness." Her voice softened as she spoke, growing tired quickly. "We love Johnny and we have to let him know that."

Roy nodded and as he held her in his arms he thanked the heavens for blessing his life with this woman.

********************************

Two more days passed as they waited and watched over Johnny only seeing the gradual decline that left everyone lost and despondent. The waiting room was always full of those rotating the vigil over the friend they prayed they would not lose. Roy had made arrangements for Joanne's mom to take the kids until she was released from the hospital and he took a leave of absence from work to stay with her as she healed and allowing his bedside watch on Johnny to continue.

Joanne was moved to a regular room and physically was healing very quickly now. She was an excellent patient and although the physically signs of her encounter were beginning to fade some there were still daily tears shared only with her husband. She cried from her own nightmares and for Johnny. Deep down she knew they were losing him and her only frustration was that she was stuck so far away from him. Not once had she been able to see him or touch him since the attack.

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Roy sat mindlessly watching the TV unaware of her raging internal dilemma that she was battling. She looked at him knowing that not many could read the signs of depression in his dipped shoulders, dark circles of exhaustion under his eyes, the loss of sparkle to those baby blue eyes.

She formed her own plan. "Roy?"

He looked up with the anticipation to get her something she needed, "Yea hon?"

"I need to go see him." She was ready for the argument that was to come.

"Jo, you're not ready to be out of bed yet. Even Brackett said so." Roy insisted.

She shook her head thinking of how to explain how important this was to her, to Johnny. "He's running out of time Roy. You heard Dixie this morning, everyday he's worse. I have to let him know that I'm alright."

"Jo, I've told him since we found him that you are going to be fine." He slumped back down in the chair knowing he'd spent days now telling his friend in every way he could think of that it was time to come back to them.

"He has to hear us this time Roy. We have to go now, before it's too late."

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Dixie stood beside his bed and held his hand, not pleased with how cool it actually felt to her. "Johnny? What are we going to do with you? I know that you are as stubborn as a mule when you want to be so it's time to show some of that fire behind those wonderful brown eyes."

She looked up at the monitors and frowned, "Come on Johnny, don't do this." Her voice now a whisper.

Gathering his vital signs she headed out to the desk and put in an emergency page to Brackett.

********************************

Roy paced the room now, "Jo, you can't just go moving around like that. You just had major surgery for God's sake." The possibility of anything else happening to her tore him up inside even though the raging conflict within him was to do anything possible for Johnny.

"Either you go find out if I can see him or I'll go by myself."

Her fierce stubbornness was one of the things that he had loved about her when they were young but now it was irritating the fire out of him. "Fine, but you better not move until I get back." He knew that Dixie was going back upstairs to help with the short staffing in the ICU and he could talk to her about Joanne's request. Moving through the quiet waiting room he saw Chet jump up and catch his eyes.

"Everything alright Roy?" Chet jumped up to ask.

"Jo wants to come see Johnny so I'm gonna find out if it's okay for her to get up." He nudged his head towards the sleeping form in the chair, "Didn't he go home last night?" Roy could see Hanks long legs stretched out in the chair, his head hung back as he snored.

"For a while but came right back early this morning, said he had a bad feeling about today." Chet obviously didn't like the connotation that held for his friend in the ICU.

"Come on, we'll check on him." Roy knew that Chet was worried as much, if not more than the rest of them.

Once they passed through the doors they could see Dixie on the phone at the desk. Roy simply propped against the counter while he waiting for Dixie to get off the phone so he could talk to her but her back was to him at the moment.

"Joe? It's Dixie. I'm calling about Johnny. His vitals are deteriorating. Pulse is down to 50, blood pressure now 60/45 and he's still unresponsive."

As Roy stiffened, Chet looked at the older man knowing that something was very wrong. They watched her body shuffle, her shoulders slump down.

"I know Joe, we've tried everything but we just can't give up." She stood up again and turned to see Roy's face behind her and her jaw tightened.

"All right Joe, thanks." She hung up the phone. "Roy?"

He didn't even speak to her but ran into Johnny's room leaving Chet to try and keep up with him. By the time she could get around the desk and into the room Roy was already standing and staring at the monitors. His heart rate was down to 45 and Roy could see that all his own attempts at breathing had now stopped as he let the ventilator do all the work. He turned to Dixie.

"Do something damn it," he yelled at her as his eyes began to tear up.

Dixie didn't know what to say because she felt exactly the same way. Luckily Kel and Joe came into the room to save her from explaining why they were just going to watch him die. Kel pulled out his stethoscope and listened as Joe looked over his last labs and blood gases.

Roy watched them intently, "Don't tell me you're going to just stand around and not do something?" He didn't know what but there had to be something else.

No one could deny the man his pain, anguish and overwhelming grief. "Roy, we've done all we can medically. We've thrown the proverbial book at him but nothing is working."

Roy put his hand on Johnny's chest, "Please Johnny, don't quit on me."

The low heart rate alarm went off above his bed and the nurses came running in with the code cart. As he watched them order the drugs, push the medications into his system Roy stumbled backwards until his back found the wall. He slid down it and sank to his knees. He had killed him. He killed his best friend, one of the most important people in his life.

In the bustle of the activity around the room Roy hadn't noticed the shuffle of house slippers that moved across the floor. Dixie looked towards the door and watched Hank hold onto Joanne's arm as they walked into the ICU but she heard Hank whisper her name.

Joanne was leaving a trail of blood behind her from where she ripped out her IV and the site was dripping along behind her. Rushing to her side, initially unsure of where the blood was coming from she yelled out for help, "Roy!"

Looking up it took a fraction of a second to look past Hanks haunted features to see that he had Joanne, and she was bleeding. "Jo," he jumped up. "What did you do?"

"I told you if you didn't get me in here I'd do it myself," she said in a huff.

Roy looked at them working so hard to save his life then moved over to his wife and took her arm. He turned to Joe and Kel. "Let her see him."

At this point they simply nodded. The crowd gently parted like the seas opening up. His heart rate was now so low that a nurse had begun chest compression and the respiratory therapist continued the ventilations as Joanne moved to his side. She leaned on the bed right beside him and once she had gotten very, very close she began talking to him.

***********************************

_He could hear her…_

_He could hear her screaming and screaming, pleading with someone not to hurt her anymore and in slow motion he came down the hall and around the corner. She was on the floor trying to get up and reached out to him. "JOHNNY! SAVE ME!" But as he moved closer to the door the hallway got longer again making him run down it more and more until her cries became less and less audible. His name rang through the hall way then suddenly he was at his room again, just outside the door but this time it was silent. He turned the corner and she was on the floor in a pool of blood. On her back she lifted her arm to him. "Johnny? Why did you leave me," she said gasping. "You left me alone and look what happened."_

_Kneeling beside her he cried, "Joanne, I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen."_

"_But it did."_

_Johnny looked up to see Roy leaning against the bedroom wall. He stood up and started to walk to him. To beg for forgiveness but the space became wider, the carpet stretching as the hallway did before, the walls becoming a blur. He screamed out to them. "FORGIVE ME…" _

_But they were gone and he was alone. _

_Falling to his knees the room around him turned dark and silent. He had lost them both. His family. The only family he had really ever known. They were the ones he loved more than anything in this world and now they were gone. He knew he could stand up and walk out of that room and face the world, talk to his friends, do his job, and move on with his life. He didn't have family before the DeSoto's so life without them now gone would be no big deal. He looked around the dark room and felt the void in his heart and knew that something so insignificant to someone else was his world. They were his center where outwardly he reached to friends, work, and life. But without that center there nothing else that could support his heart and looking outward seemed impossible. They were his anchor._

_The void was quiet and as he sat there he felt peaceful. There was no more pain. No more anger. No more accusations. He no longer had to worry about letting someone down. Silence._

_His mind was clear and he was ready for the next room as the hallway opened up for him. Standing up he walked down it and saw that it was lined with hundreds of pictures in a multitude of different frames. Birthday parties when he was young, smiling and happy, his first date and first kiss. Pictures of his time in the fire academy. His first job as a rescue man and of him fighting his first fire. Many pictures of him facing the beast and winning again and again. Then he slowed at the picture of Roy as he remembered him across the desk telling him about the Paramedic program. His pace slowed even more as he saw the pictures that held all the A-shift family, Roy, Hank, Marco, Mike and Chet. He nodded, yes, they were his family too and he smiled. His paced quickened as he felt the hallway become warm and inviting. The pictures continued of times they had shared together, supported each other through the hard times and hurt times, to the pranks that Chet had pulled on him, the ball games and cookouts. _

_Last down the hall were pictures of Roy, Joanne, and the kids. Birthdays, picnics, camping trips and so many things that he knew he would never forget sharing with them. Each one brought a warm memory to his heart and suddenly he found himself at an open door._

_It called to him. He could feel the peace and warmth and love radiating from it begging for him to enter and hurt no more. As he took a step he heard a voice behind him. Turning he looked to see who had called. There was no one there but again he heard his name. Glancing back at the door of warmth then back again at the hall he didn't want to go back. It was nice here. But something about that voice, who was it? It was soft and musical. He took a couple of steps towards it and suddenly he was halfway between the warm door and the voice. Now he could see a figure on the ground. _

_Maybe they were hurt he thought and his pace quickened. He would make sure they were alright and then he would leave. As he neared the figure the warmth behind him lessened and for a moment he stopped and rethought what he was doing. Knowing that someone was in trouble was more important and of course won out, it always did. The voice was getting stronger and in the same moment that he recognized the voice he saw the figure clearly as it reached out for him. _

_He froze. No, not again. He couldn't live through that again._

_Joanne's voice was soft as she called him to her side. He was drawn to her and found his feet moving once again. She was so beautiful in a white gown that flowed by her sides, a radiant smile across her face. There was no blood and her eyes were full of love. _

"_Johnny I need you to save me." She called to him._

"_I didn't. I failed." He cried to her._

"_Johnny take my hand," she reached her hand out farther for him. "Only you can save me, Johnny. I need you."_

_He reached out and her hand was so warm and comfortable. She smiled at him with a look that made his heart beat faster and took his other hand. "Come back to us Johnny. We all love you and need you in our lives."_

"_But it was my fault," he said trying to avoid her eyes. _

_She took one hand and caressed his face, "No one blames you. We need you to come back now."_

_The door behind him was closer now and so warm but she pulled on his hands, urgency now in her voice. "Now Johnny, you have to come back now."_

"_Why?" He asked as he felt drawn to the warmth behind him. He was so close to what was pulling him backward, the force of it so strong._

"_John Gage!" His head snapped to meet her eyes. "You are not a quitter and never have been so come back right now!"_

_He smiled at the look of big sister love in her eyes._

"_Yes ma'am."_


	14. Chapter 14

Unspoken Fears

_These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."_

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"If we have no peace, then it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." Mother Teresa.

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_Thanks for this story. You guys have been great and every review was so appreciated. Hope to see you in the future._

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Chapter 14

They watched in silence as Joanne talked to him, coaxing him, pleading with him. Her voice was soft and musical almost mesmerizing those around her. The monitor still showed those erratic few beeps of a heart rate but it was far from enough to sustain life.

Then there were a few more. Joe Early stepped forward. Then they became more regular. It was so slow, initially an almost imperceptible change but it was a change. Kel placed his hand on the nurse's arm to ask her to stop the compressions so they could watch. Joanne was oblivious to the sounds around her as she focused only on him. Suddenly with urgency in her voice she almost shouted to him but in the stillness of the room anything would have seemed loud.

Roy watched her, watched the monitors and then the faces all around him. The A-shift had managed to gather in the hallway just outside the door finding everyone mesmerized by the tranquility in the room. Anyone passing by would think they were saying goodbye in the quiet. But those there knew that if Johnny didn't listen to Joanne that he would really be gone to them all in just a matter of moments.

As the nurse stopped the compressions they watched his heartbeat rise.

Forties...

Fifties...

Sixties...

The quiet became a low rumble of encouragement, soft and under their breaths but present as they all voiced their own cheers for the young man they called a friend. Then what happened made most of them jump.

Johnny took a shuddering gasp.

Seventies...

Eighties. Yes, something was working and no one wanted to break the spell that had been cast around them. His eyes remained closed but his vital signs began to stabilize.

Joanne turned to Roy, "He needs to hear you hon. Tell him it's alright to come back to us. He's listening now."

Roy just looked at her in amazement then leaned close beside her, "Junior. It's time to come home. Open your eyes for me."

The time that passed felt like an eternity but was actually only a few seconds as the dark eyelashes began to flutter, and then open up a little. Roy just smiled at him, "Welcome back, partner."

Johnny frowned as his endless nightmare had changed. Roy was looking at him but this time he was smiling at him. Was he still dreaming? His eyes tried to question what the wild things in his head were saying to him.

"Everything is okay Johnny," Roy started as he could see the worry on his face, the unspoken questions. "I'm so sorry for what I did. Please fight back and get well."

A tear ran down Johnny's face and his face softened. The deep bond between them had been tested over this but Roy could see what he hoped was forgiveness in his eyes.

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For the next three days Johnny did nothing but sleep. The difference was this sleep was quiet and peaceful, free of the haunted images from before. This was the sleep of a newborn baby, deep, dreamless, and utterly trusting of those round him.

Roy stayed by Johnny's side until he was doing well enough to be taken off the ventilator then he spent his days between his true love and his best friend. Both continued to improve at amazing rates. Johnny was as weak as a newborn kitten after his near death experience and needed help with the simplest of tasks.

"If you ever tell Chet about this I swear Roy I'll disown ya."

Roy just laughed, "Shut up or I'll call Chet to come finish it."

He got real still, "Well I'm certainly not going to argue with the man who's holding a knife to my throat."

Roy just rolled his eyes, "Will you just be still before I do cut you?"

"I have never understood why you can't just use a normal razor like everyone else." Johnny continued to complain as Roy pulled the straight blade razor up from his throat and under his chin.

Roy just rolled his eyes, "Shh."

With a deep sigh Johnny resigned himself to the continued attention of his partner. Roy finished up the shave and wiped off his face with a warm towel. "Now for the hair."

Johnny looked horrified. "You wouldn't dare."

Roy's lips were in a fine line as he fought to suppress the smile, "But it's so temping."

His eyes got bigger. Surely he wouldn't cut his hair. He decided to play it cool, "I know you're bluffing."

Roy reached into the drawer and pulled out the scissors and turned to the helpless young man with a smile on his face. A smile that Johnny did not like.

"Roy, back away from the scissors. I don't want to have to tell Joanne that you're tormenting me."

Roy paused for a moment. It was a game they had played for days now and he was enjoying every minute of playful torment on his friend. "Fine. You want to go running to Joanne it doesn't bother me."

"Running to Joanne for what?"

They both looked up to see her standing in the doorway with a nurse at her elbow. "And just where are you off too?" Roy asked although he knew it was time for her physical therapy. As soon as she was up and about better she would be discharged home.

"Apparently I got here just in the nick of time," she flashed them both a big smile.

Johnny pulled up his puppy dog eyes, "Roy's threatening to cut my hair when I can't properly defend myself."

She smiled as her husband winked at her. "I don't know Johnny. You're getting a little shaggy around the edges."

He just sighed with exasperation, "You two are plotting against me again, that's not fair."

They both laughed. Just having him alive and doing so well, fighting back tooth and nail from where he had been was all they could ever ask for.

The nurse tugged on her arm to remind her they were supposed to be walking not standing around, "Behave Mr. DeSoto."

"Always Mrs. DeSoto."

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As the next few days passed Joanne was released back home to her family while Johnny finished up his recuperation with some alone time as everyone was busy working and back to their lives. He didn't really like the quiet time. It allowed his brain too much time to think and contemplate. Roy had spent every moment free there taking care of him with apologies that went from spoken to unspoken gratitude.

Johnny still had a twinge of guilt over what happened and that it happened to someone he cared so much about but had accepted the fact that it wasn't his fault. It was something he had no control over. Just knowing that he had his family back was enough for him. He was content and happy.

But after days and days in the hospital he was ready to be set free. Itching to go home was putting it mildly. He was officially completely and utterly stir crazy. Brackett walked through the door for morning rounds and Johnny was ready to pounce.

"Today?"

"Johnny, we've talked about this every single day. At least twice a day." The doctor had to hold the chuckle back, "You'll be ready to go on Thursday. That's only two more days, will you just relax."

Johnny's shoulders slumped down. "Relax? I can't relax. Jenny's birthday is tomorrow and I don't want to miss it. Come on Doc. I'll do anything you tell me too. I promise."

About that time Roy walked in the door to hear his partner. Shaking his head, "Is he pleading again?"

Brackett just grinned, "Of course. My day wouldn't be complete without it." Then he looked more serious, "What's this I hear about a party?"

Roy just beamed, "Jennifer is 6 tomorrow and I have to admit if Johnny can't come to her then I'm gonna be forced by a ferocious six year old to bring her up here."

Brackett thought while Johnny fidgeted in his bed like he was sitting on an ant hill. "Alright on one condition."

They answered in unison, "Anything."

"Wait make that two conditions," Brackett corrected.

"And?..." Johnny prompted him.

"One is that you are back here in 48 hours for a checkup in my office promptly at 11 am and until then you do nothing, and I mean NOTHING but rest."

Johnny was about to burst, yes he could do that. But what was the second thing.

His face became stern and serious. Johnny got real still and was starting to get a little nervous. "Second is that you promise to never, ever pull this kind of stunt again. If you're hurt you come in. No matter what."

Dang, he knew he'd hear about it sooner or later. "No matter what?"

Roy spoke this time, "He promises doc, no matter what. Or he answers to me."

Johnny just grinned. It was nice to be back home. Big brother and all.


End file.
